inter (inner) twined thoughts

Not too tired to Pin

2012-02-08T21:59:00.000-08:00

I'm barely fighting exhaustion each day, as I wake up, put the super-woman cape on and work hard to well... live, work, run, and sometimes get my damn nails done. Life is busy, and work is as busy as it was in 2007 but I'm getting so much done, and that feels great.

But, in those rare quiet moments that I don't have lately, I find myself hanging out in the virtual world of Pinterest. It's like the dream-board mecca. My designer said, "'I feel like i just walked into the girls bathroom on accident when I signed up to Pinterest.'' He's probably right, it's mostly chicks. But in a visual world, who has time to read?... I just want to get inspired, motivated, turned-on, or daydream about how I want to live my life, or where I want to take it through looking at pictures.

I got inspired to go all out for my kids 16th birthday party, and all because of Pinterest, so hey.

If I'm not hanging around this... blog or have anything interesting to write, I'll be over at Pinterest, getting inspired. http://pinterest.com/nw_designlove/

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2012-02-02T16:35:00.001-08:00

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

Got a reminder of this today...Not to give up on my gut, even when the universe doesn't give me notice of coincidences, it's still moving toward my goals for me with the power of previous desires. Through my lucid dream last night, and then through an email I never expected, I was reminded that I never know the pace of the tides of change.

Happy Chinese New Year!!!!

2012-01-22T22:24:00.001-08:00

2012 is the year of the dragon, which begins tomorrow, January 23rd. I remember reading ten years ago that I would have a long wait until this year, so i cant believe its actually arrived! I am a fire dragon (1976) and this year is the water dragon. Every 12 years your symbol reoccurs in the calendar.

This is suppose to be a remarkable year for those of the dragon, and i can feel it already! If at the end of this year, I experience this intensity from my intuition, then . . .

Beliefs

2012-01-22T22:11:00.001-08:00

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own". --robert heinlein

Heard this during the dharma talk today at meditation center. Very true.

Inspired

2012-01-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you are to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear or further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty; even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “YES!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the INSIDE, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

-- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

January Clean

2012-01-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

So, I don't do spring cleaning, in ... the spring, I save that energy for poking around the garden and getting muddy! What inspires me, is January. I take each room and clean it from top to bottom. This is the best feeling, I get in touch with my beautiful home and restore energy to each area. Suddenly my house feels so big, so many little rooms and my inspiration to paint or what needs to be done for the year kicks in. This weekend was fabulous, and my house is such an oasis, filled with flowers, candle and dust-free. I've always disliked winter, but this year, it's cozy, the views from my home are beautiful and I've embraced what each season is here to show and teach us more than any other year. I love Oregon for this reason, each season is distinct and brings different energy and purpose, and I'm enjoying January more than any other January because of it. Here is a list of a few of my favorite seasonal indulgences:
• more baths with lavender
• experimenting with recipes for comforting dinners
• letting the light into the house in winter
• longer sauna time at the gym
• reflective walks in the neighborhood
• hot coffee hitting the spot
• my amazing and cozy bed
• catching up on reading
• warm cocktails and rosy cheeks

Weekend Tidbits

2012-01-08T19:06:00.000-08:00

The french looking EAT sign welcomes you before you enter the kitchen, (Elle just got me this for Christmas, and I am in love with it!) Succulent plants are scattered in the living room in white modern ikea pots and my favorite print I bought from an Etsy artist is framed in dark wood.

Still playing with the new camera today and with a few, small and cheap touches, my style is coming through in the decorating of my new home...slowly... but surely. I'd say my style is a mix of Sonoma/Santa Barbara, Restoration Hardware look, beachy, zen, relaxed, traditional-modern with soft hues and typography touches.

I think good home design has meaning in every little thing. I put my heart rocks in a glass candle holder and added this little wooden block I bought in Cannon Beach a few weeks ago. The industrial 'B' that Kat got me, (which I love..) sits next to my favorite airplant succulent in an apothecary jar with shells from a few special beach trips, and on top of a little side table I found at a garage sale (shabby chic style). The wreath on the front door got update from holiday to winter with a few snowflakes.

My 16 year old daughter and I made a fantastic Sunday dinner, almost famous salad, (love this recipe...) and chicken marsala which I have not made in a long time. Sunday night dinners are my favorite. I love prepping the ingredients, shopping, and cooking in a cleaned house from the efforts of weekend chores. I had so much fun making a nice dinner. Elle and I had a great time shopping at New Seasons and spending the afternoon together. I just love her! My fresh lillies from the market dress up the dining room, and a lavender bath await! I'm not too obviously Taurean, am I? (:

Gluten-free dessert from A Piece of Cake. Yum!

photo play

2012-01-08T13:28:00.000-08:00

Seafood Chowder made from scratch... delicious!

New Years Day breakfast at Broder with Elle and Mr. G

Cleaned out the living room for a fresh start

Coffee with my brother Andrew

(top four photos by Elle)

Music Soul match

2012-01-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

I'm speachless...I will play this.

Randomness

2011-12-31T14:32:00.001-08:00

I wonder what it would be like never to watch television again.

I like being alone, a LOT, even though at times I get lonely.

I could do without my cat but i feel too guilty so i keep feeding it.

I take magnesium and vitamin B12 supplements everyday. To calm and energize, even though i find this counter-intuitive.

I eat gluten-free oatmeal every morning. At least once or twice a week, i get oatmeal on my shirt.

I never use an alarm clock, I wake up naturally and go to bed when I'm tired.

I don't need coffee every day but I love it and think i need it.

I'm weird enough as it is, creativity only reminds me how much..

My daughter scrunched her nose and laughed like a total nerd last night. She may have even snorted. I was glad to see, she has some family quirkiness in her.

It's fun when people play stupid games with me that make me competitive.
I meditate and chant, which I never could have imagined I'd be doing.

My amazing daughter, is becoming a talented... photographer.

The utility I use most at home is probably water.

Hot yoga makes me feel content and centered. I should do it more, but i don't. Does thinking about it count?

I can never decide which sport i like best so i dabble in most of them but rarely consistently.

I'm not good at finding new things to do with my life. If there was a book for that, i'd buy it.

I worry that if i live with a man again, he will know just how many baths i really take. A lot. I could probably use a hot tub.
When I'm outside, I'm at home.

My car is fun but i feel bad that it has to be in the city when it wants to go fast. Im sure my dog feels the same way.

Sometimes I like to vacuum in the nude. I have no idea why this is.

I wonder if depression bouts will ever leave me and if when im married, my partner will be compassionate about it.

People have to eat too much, i find it annoying so i buy protein shakes so not every meal has to be 'made'. Actually they are old people shakes, but whatever.

My metabolism is high, and when i sleep im like a human heat source.

I have some of the most amazing friends, all whom reflect a part of who i am!

I've always dreampt of living somewhere else a few months out of the year. Probably on the ocean.

If i could, i'd still custom design my own home.

Spa blue is the color that makes my heart sing.

Every relationship ive had gets me closer to the right one.

This year i mastered the art of doing nothing on vacation.

I watch too much television sometimes.

I can be really really lazy. But im ok with it.

Feel-good movies are the best.

I caused a traffic accident last week because a guy was smiling at me. I felt bad but sorta good too.

I speak baby.

I dont speak Cat, it's a problem.

Traveling with my daughter is in our future. Having a daughter is the best gift ever.

If I wasn't a graphic designer id be in urban planning, architecture, or real estate.

My dream home studio is crystal clear in my mind.

Everything in life comes down to energy and spirit.

People tell me I am grounding.

Having a sugar daddy would be fun.

I always keep two $100 bills in my wallet to remind myself of abundance.

I rarely forget someones birthday.

At a party, I hear multiple conversations but still listen to the person in front of me. I hear things.

One time i left the gas station with the pump still in the tank. Embarrasing.

Once I said the wrong guys name... at the wrong moment!

One of my best qualities is that im super accepting.

Before i knew i couldnt do gluten, id carry pepto around, ick!

I believe you can change anything about yourself or life with just believing it.

I like lists.

I start notebooks but never use them all up. They get tainted i feel after 40% usage.

My purse is almost always a mess.

The man I call my husband will be a very lucky man.

Funny people are rad.

Things don't bother me very much unless others are mean or rude to me.

Most people have a hard time following my train of thought, except a few.

I only get really really mad rarely. When i do it scares even myself.

I'm funnier around some than others.

If I could eat laundry soap, I might. I love it that much. Tide...

I could live on an island and be an organic loving hippy.

Go to sleep feet.

2011-12-29T22:41:00.001-08:00

Insomnia is: an overactive mind, being over tired, hoping the next night is a good sleep, hearing all the sounds the rain makes, feeling like a failure that i cant fall into the temporary unconscious state in the night, it's being jealous that it comes easy for others, fantasizing about times i have slept so well, and doing all the mind tricks to get there again. Insomnia is melatonin, ambien, nyquil and xanax, but not in the same night and all the ways i refrain from going there anyways so i dont toxify the body.

Insomnia is taking restorative energy from my life and messing w my emotions the next day. Its the 4 am wake ups when its unwanted. Insomnia has been an unwanted friend, periodically since my father died when i was six, when id lay there wondering what just happened and feeling scared at how alone I really was.

Insomnia needs to take a break from me very soon so i can feel my normal self.

And the lights will draw you in

2011-12-12T20:38:00.000-08:00

On the way to work this morning, a new song came on the radio with a familiar voice, of Ryan Adams. Sort of like connecting with a piece of art, it’s rare that after hearing a song once, you instantly like it… And on the way home from the gym tonight, the same song came on the radio...so I paid some attention.

It’s officially: a new favorite.

In a unique season of life, one which I am reminded by several trite moments, that the creativity, passion for life and trueness is seeping back through my spirit, like a slow trickle... this song speaks to me. Feels like I’m the same, but different, or what is it? My life completely changed, but nothing at all has changed. It’s the same life, the same commute, the same people, the same in a lot of ways. But… it is a completely different experience. I can’t explain it, other than when I notice it throughout the day of normal activities, that now feel totally different. It's as if there is space around everything in me, and a level of freedom of ‘being’ just is. I try to explain it logically but cannot, and if I read a description, would I understand it? I think it can only be experienced. Others seem to be noticing. My close friend said, it’s like you’re observing your own life but not as attached to it. Yes, it is like that. It’s like that, and so much more that I cannot explain.

I see differently and I actually see, more by going slower? Am I going slower, or does it just feel like it. I’ve found something within me that makes life good. I’m still learning about it. This song reminds me of that.. if you’re lucky, you’ll live --- -fully. The excitement itself is sort of a 'high'.

The other day on the way home from work, I simply cried, and it was not because i felt sad. It was simply a release, and it was different, as if crying was the best way to breathe out. It was, exactly what it was…where the parameters of my body could not contain anymore of the week, and it was cathartic. Regardless of everything that happens, Despite any external circumstances, there is this piece (peace) where nothing else matters. So, I’m thinking that this, combined with the solid belief that my mother instilled in me, in which I can do anything in life, is a sweet combo to the amazing little life I already live.

Women

2011-12-08T23:24:00.001-08:00

These are the women in my family. My two sisters and my mom. I saw this photo taken a few weeks ago, and thought about how amazing my mom is and my sisters. They are strong, healthy, generous, loving women.

Another budding woman...my daughter...and I went to shoot hoops tonight as she challenged me to proove to her I could shoot. After about an hour of working on her form, she was nothing but net! It felt great to teach her a skill and now she knows my point guard skills are not yet forgotten!! I'll be sore tomorrow.

A one night escape to Manzanita

2011-12-03T08:39:00.001-08:00

Sometimes that's all you need. I had a three day wknd and an opportunity to go to cabin 3 for one night. Perfect drive over, beautiful day, quiet towns, a hot tub, fire, peaceful bedroom, snuggly dog, and a quiet morning. Have I mentioned how much i love getting away from the city? Someday I WILL have a place here on the Oregon coast. It's so beautiful. Plus after Maui, I already missed the ocean.

Thankful for, I AM.

2011-11-24T09:27:00.000-08:00

I keep seeing all these posts this morning that say, I am thankful for. I went on a nice walk with my dog this morning to get a chai at my local coffee shop, and I thought about what I was grateful for on my walk. I thought about last year at this time and how I was mending a broken heart but ready to move on again, and I enjoyed a nice Thanksgiving with my family albeit a little lonely at times that I was still single at 34.

Thankfully (no pun intended today..) a consistency in life is change.

When I think back to the low points in my life or within a year, I remember that the only way I get back up is to go within and do my own personal work. This is what helps me. This is what helped me last year when my family and I went to Sunriver after Thanksgiving. I read a book that helped me get back aligned to who I am. (instead of getting stuck in negative thought).

But back to the I AM. Wayne Dyer mentioned this in his conversation with Eckhart... to pay attention to your I AM's. Live who you want to be. If you want to be happy, say I AM Happy. If you want love, say, I AM love. I AM abundant. I AM content. I AM _____ fill in your blank.

This isn't something new, in fact Jesus referred to God as the I AM in the scriptures, and all of these teachers in life return to teach us that the spirit is within, and so that is the message with I AM.

Today, I am, thankful for the "I AM."

Here is a beautiful fall photo of my house

Window Shopping

2011-11-18T20:39:00.000-08:00

Last weekend D and I went to the mall and browsed. It's pretty easy not to buy anything when you pretty much can't. I rarely buy myself things anyways, but had fun looking at new things that we liked. Ironically, most of my wants are practical.. (typical Taurean nature...) new pajamas, a new coat, boots, a pendant lamp for my dining room so dinners are cozier, a navy hoodie... lots of basics. Basics though, that I like, tend to be expensive... and because I am, well... ok.. cheap, I won't purchase them. Still, looking around was fun. There are some nice things out there that I have not really noticed, because I try not to tempt myself!

I have some healthy financial goals for 2012, and it will take some cutting back in areas, in order to meet those goals, but then the next few years will be more rewarding.

Frye Boots: $240 (really really really want these, but I cannot pay that much for shoes!) JCREW hoodie: $64 Pajamas from Nordies: $198 (totally overpriced, will find some at Target soon.) Coat from Nordies: $199 (looks really warm) Pendant Lamp from West Elm: $199 (been wanting this for my dining room..) Faux Fur blanket from West Elm: $65

Cultivating Peace

2011-11-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

I've been cultivating a more consistent meditation practice in the evenings. At certain times during the year, it's hard to go into the little room and even sit. But lately, I look forward to it, and time passes into an hour before I know it. I light a candle, turn the heater on and wait to see where my spirit takes me. Last night, I felt bliss and tears of happiness fell down my cheeks. It was about mid-way through and something just came right over my body. It's like no other feeling I've experienced, but how I can explain it is: complete peace. Even if it lasts for a few minutes or seconds, it's bliss, and keeps me wanting to come to do my meditation, night after night. I've read that meditation is best with continual practice, like anything else. I'm glad I have found it again as the season turns into quiet and more reflective patterns.

I am grateful that this photo was snapped in Maui after a nice swim, while I had one of the most wonderful moments on the beach. I felt one with the sand, and my mind was free of thought. I will never forget how that afternoon felt. Friends would ask, 'how was your vacation, what did you do?' I DID NOTHING and it was perfect. Have you ever considered that doing everything you need to do can be enhanced by periods of doing nothing at all? It makes sense that rest and relaxation must be spread out in between periods of intense activity, but I am talking about really doing nothing, just be. If you can really do this and stop your mind’s chatter, even for fifteen minutes, you will begin to be able to take this calm-centered awareness into other parts of your life. Life will feel more centered and less dramatic. You will be in the spirit. Things will unfold more naturally. The universe will line you up with everything in a perfect order: you will be in the right place at the right time. I love this time to do nothing. Which to me is my meditation. You will “do” more toward being connected through doing nothing than you could ever “do” working all day long. This has been my experience.

"I do nothing, yet I leave nothing undone." --- Lao Tzu

Friday's Top Ten

2011-11-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

I do some of my best thinking on my way to work, with my coffee, music and long commute. This morning, in the spirit of gratitude, the first week of November, and the upcoming gratitude filled holiday, I started visualizing many things I am thankful for.

In my love of lists again... here we go:
1. How freakin' fast my car goes. Turbo... dangerUS...
2. The moment I drive on 99-E and get a glimpse of how Portland looks in the morning. It's one of the best views and portrays each season perfectly.
3. My barista. She is so sweet, and always happy. I will stand in long lines just to get my caffeine fix there.
4. The fact that my favorite place, Orcas Island, is really only a days drive away if I need to escape. I have 1. A fast car to get me there, and 2. A gift certificate! All I need is a little gas cash and two days.
5. The people in my design studio building. Povey peeps. Seriously? The nicest people ever... it's like only nice people can rent studios here. Thanks to a great landlord, which is probably his requirement.
6. That my daughter says "Goodbye, I love you mom," when she goes to school and I'm still in bed. I've asked her say goodbye, something about someone leaving and not saying goodbye, feels odd so I am thankful that she does this (:
7. Peace. Peace is better than happiness. Peace and contentment make everything ok. I am grateful for this feeling.
8. Creative. Feeling very creative right now. I got my art supplies out in the attic and need to stock up on more paint, and drawing materials. Sometimes, (most times) I forget that I am very creative and artistic, but laundry and dinner seem to take the space of getting into art.
9. A tan in fall. Sorta love the tan in Oregon in November...
10. Fridays! I'll toast to that, and to celebrate D's birthday! <3

Be Open to Everything & Attached to Nothing

2011-10-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

I had the amazing opportunity to listen to Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle in conversation yesterday while here in Maui. I'm still absorbing the quiet, that comes from a positive-energy filled room of like-minded people, and the most influential spiritual leader of our time. This morning, I'm sipping my coffee and this beautiful rainbow appeared outside the lanai.

The Challenge of Changing Ones Mind

2011-10-27T19:11:00.000-07:00

I feel vaguely content with my spiritual life, as I grow to practice deeper present moment-style, as a spiritual path. The upbringing of Catholicism, actually makes more sense as I make parallels to the metaphors of it’s teachings. Because of that, it seems that this understanding for a perspective that I get glimpses of, only reminds me that the most elusive things in the world, were right there all along. Time is an illusion, and most things in the mind are, which honestly is really hard to grasp. It’s just we don’t know it, nor do we (and when I say “we”, I’m talking about society as a whole and myself, personally) know how to get past the walls to see these illusions. The not seeing, or not-knowing, doesn’t make the knowledge, not there. This realization takes something beyond my normal state to absorb, which the best way for me to understand it, right now, is that our own beliefs, thoughts and limitations create our own suffering. Meaning, the peace is there all along, we just can't see it until we can see it.

I often write about the external pace of life, and I’ve been curious as to why this subject matter fascinates me. Maybe because I can see from an observer the many different ways I have not been able to see (being present) throughout my twenties. And maybe, as I watch other’s and their own personal pace in life, I get curious to how at peace they are, or how much different people can handle, well… differently. Now I’m realizing that the wisdom I crave and long for, is to be found in the internal pace of the soul. I’ve found my own paradoxical parallel.

The noticing of this, becomes being aware before doing, saying or reacting. At first this notion felt challenging to me years ago, but as I practiced letting things go, it actually becomes part of me more and more. I remember the first time I noticed, I was at my daughters soccer game, and watched how worked up these parents would get at a coach or at their own children for performing, and at a child’s game that was suppose to be fun. The tension was intense, and some of the parent’s negative energy, made me have to sift through the game like a thick cloud, but this time, I let it roll off my shoulders. I did it visually at first and noticed that their energy went right over me. Ahh, what a relief. Before this, I would simply absorb too much of the tension. Part of why large crowds are energy suckers for me sometimes, but realistically, I have a choice.

We Can Change

My type A personality has slowly melded into a more relaxed inner state. I still worry, I still like things tidy and neat, but little things don’t bother me as much any more. I still have to work at getting out of my head, but as I ponder this change, I wonder, is it part age? Part of getting older? Or is it a new way of being in my life that I’ve been working at for a few years now. Regardless of the why, I feel it getting better. I’m not talking about not getting angry and feeling that, I’m talking about not caring as much, letting it roll, winging it... Is it haphazard? Sometimes I feel this new way will make me forget important things, because I AM more relaxed... Hence the need for list making. And sometimes, others around me get frustrated at my lax approach to planning.

Maybe the way I used to be, brought me comfort of illusionary control I felt I needed back then through all the chaos I went through. Now I just live more loosely, and it all still works out, and it’s also less stressful.. The less I stress, the happier I am, the better I am to those I love and experience in my life situation. It’s a better way and I hope it continues to become more of a way of life because the only person responsible for my own peace, is me.

Kahana, Hawaii

2011-10-27T16:57:00.000-07:00

"Ecstasy, is a soul's response to the waves holiness makes as it nears."

–Annie Dillard

Morning Pause

2011-10-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

Beam me here with my cup of coffee please.

I'm on a blog kick. Between tons of stress and too much to do, I need a place to express that doesn't happen in my dreams while I sleep. I'm full of lists this week, moreso of the ones I do not like, but that help me put my superwoman cape on and take on the world!

This list is more enjoyable...random thoughts of things that do not entail cleaning, feeding the pets, commuting or working. I'll be doing more goal setting when sitting on the beach in Maui next week and getting clear on what 2012 looks like.

Music: There are lyrics behind songs that you are not conscious of until months later and are able to look back on what was playing in the background of your mind but you couldn't quite make it out. Like this one: Oh, David..

Fall: I want to soak up how beautiful it is outside right now. Can I get a nature fix? I'm stuck in the studio.. Oregon is like no-other. I find myself starring endlessly into the many colors that the trees are turning right now, it is mesmorizing. I want to sit and soak in nature. Beam me to the woods and I'll breath autumn in, deeper than any other season. It's like I'm sitting in the classroom waiting for recess...

Busy-ness: This is busy season for my boutique graphic design company. I love how the industry wakes up around now --- and there are incessant requests before the pseudo-fake deadline of the end of the year. So quiet in the summer... Reminds me how I enjoy it, when I do have time take on a more indolent approach to life. A good balance seems to stir thoughts of what resonates with: mind, body, & spirit during times when you cannot do that which you desire.

Shopping: I hate shopping but I want new clothes: conundrum. I feel like one of those moms who needs a wardrobe makeover, lol. I recently was in my best friends bedroom, and realized she had a walk-in closet that I never knew went back and back. I cracked up... I mean, you THINK you know someone after 8 years! I had no idea her closet was another room.

Thanks: Is bursting at the seams right now. I want to send flowers to my hairdresser because his energy rocks, and gratitude notes to my clients. What gives? Hey, why fight it, feels like some thank you gestures are on their way in my future. I'm such a sapp. Then again, Thanksgiving is in a month! Can't wait to be surrounded by my awesome sisters and brothers. I am blessed with such a cool family. What a great club to be a member of. The opposite of what Groucho Marx would say.

Kids: Rented some kids the other day. (neices and nephew) - and held my friend Keely's new son, Asher... what a beautiful boy! One thing that is true, at the end of a day, when you pick up a little kid at daycare and they run to you and squeeze you that they love you auntie --- just makes everything awesome. Kids always add a smile, they are full of love. It's sorta nice to just rent them too (:

Photos: Need a good camera. Stat. Want to capture all that I see that is beautiful.

Long list, but I feel better now and ready to start the insanity that today has on it's plate. Time to eat.

Dear Mom with Love

2011-10-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my daughter called me (ok, she texted me) that she had something for me to read when I got home. I love it when I get to read her homework or poems I thought, more so, I love that she wanted to share most likely an A paper with me that she was proud of.

After a busy evening of taking my nieces, Naomi and Mea and nephew, James out to dinner (which just brought lots of smiles to my face and in return, I got lots of very sweet hugs!). Elle had homework to do, so we stopped in and got some Ellie hugs before taking them home. Afterwards, I got home to find a note on the fridge in a fancy script handwriting, that said, Dear Mom...

It was a letter from my daughter. And yes, it made me cry. (will try not to cry while writing this!) I'm not going to go into the deep reflection, love and thoughts that my amazing, almost 16 year old gem of a daughter wrote to me.. but I needed to share that it changed my life. It was one of those moments, and I am going to save this letter forever.

There is so much that we do to take care of our children on a daily basis, seen and unseen. I think the one thing that you don't really expect during this journey of parenthood, are things like this, a heartfelt letter from your baby girl. She reminded me of how much we have gotten through over the last 15 years together, the amazing home we live in, the life we live, and she actually reminded me how her and I have overcome, many battles together and that she is okay, despite the ups and downs that life has thrown us -- relationships and teenage-hood, her father's divorce, moving many times, boyfriends who have come and gone, money ups and downs, and more.

Yes, she is my daughter, but some days it feels more like we are roommates, friends, sharing about our day, talking about things, or even biting each other's heads off at times (we are two females!).

I'm not the best mom in the world, but I do the best with what I have and what I can do. This is the truth that becomes after being a parent for over a decade. My girl reminded me of this, that her and I will always have this special bond, and just hearing it, meant the world to me that she's ok (since I worry that I've messed her up for life sometimes!). I looked around, and saw just physically all that we have overcome, worked for and knowing that yes, I have created a better life for her, than where we started... a rough start, a very, very rough start to her new life 15 years ago when I was only twenty years old and determined to just 'make' it, and hit with what seemed like multiple struggles and set-backs. This last month she has seen me go through a rough time with emotions, my best friend having multiple surgeries, stress and more. I honestly have not been my normal self. In an evening where I was taking care of everyone else, and just trying to keep up, my daughter took care of me and I sat there and cried.

Sometimes you have to stop and look around, and hear your daughter say, ''Mom, it's okay, wer'e doing good, together." I am so lucky to have such an amazing person in my life.

...

2011-10-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." -- Jalal ad-din Rumi

Hawaiian Daydreaming

2011-10-06T13:11:00.001-07:00

This will be my view in 2.5 weeks: Oceanfront, Maui.. Luxury condo with great friends. A very busy business season and not enough vacation in the last three years (because I bought my dream bungalow house) makes this vacation so over-due. I can't wait to get my tempo back to Hawaiian time of slow.. swim in the ocean, get away from the computer monitor because I'm pretty sure sitting behind a giant screen all day, cannot be good for one's overall health. I have a feeling the body, mind and spirit will be relieved after this trip. How can it not be when the 5th day I will be listening to Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle speak at the Hyatt. What a treat. I am already grateful. Isn't anticipation for relaxation, as good as relaxation itself?

Ironically, this photo sorta resembles the backdrop to my blog.. hmmmm -- manifest much?

The Breakfast Challenge

2011-09-17T11:12:00.000-07:00

I hate eggs. Even though my mother loves to remind me that every day at about 5am, I would shake my crib, screaming "EGGS, WANT EGGS MAMA!" as she laid in her bed and rolled her eyes thinking, 'Who is this small child..!'

So, thirty-four years later, I've realized that despite my now current dislike of eggs, it's only because I don't know how to re-invent them. I need protein in the morning and over the last year have had one too many gluten-free oatmeals. Being gluten-free, breakfast is even more of a challenge, no more quick bagels or yummy pastries at the coffee shop. No toast, or cereal (that tastes good at least).

After analyzing many breakfast dishes around town, I had a suspicions that anything on top of hasbrowns was delicious, including an egg cooked right. There are two places that do it really well in town, Hash (in Sellwood) and the wonderful Sweedish place, Broder (Clinton Neighborhood). Recently, my local breakfast place Toast, does it well too.

Well, after many attempts with tomatoes, basil, seasonings, and half eaten breakfast. I am happy to say I found a great recipe that I devoured, and not only that, Elle and her friend just said it tasted like a restaurant. Wala! Here is the recipe I found online, I substituted the hot sauce with fresh salsa, served it with a side of cut up fruit, coffee and orange-mango juice. Once again, avocados saved the meal.

Back to the Bike + Coffee

2011-09-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, similar to a break-up, you keep thinking your over something until another few weeks or more time passes, then you feel different and think.. now I'm over that. That's how I feel about that summer funk. Buy-bye...! Like I've said before, it all comes down to how you sleep. The body doesn't lie, even when you try to lie to yourself. Needless to say, it's gone! I'm sure there is a theme song for this, haa.

The weather finally turned to more autumn flavors.. yesterday it even barely rained! It smelled so good. The biking to work has begun and has been worth every single mile. I've already done about 60 miles this week already and I LOVE IT. Why do I forget to get on that dang bike sometimes, it's where I find passion, creativity, peace.. all good things, exercise, save on parking, gas.. etc. I didn't drive my car for 3+ days... I love that feeling.

This morning, after a late night New Seasons shopping extravaganza (yum). I sip my favorite blend of Stumptown coffee using the pour-over, organic fried-egg sandwich, and fresh local strawberries! It's coffee season for work, as Coffee Fest Seattle approaches next weekend, we put the final touches on the latest coffee offerings from our Brazil client and the amazing producers in the Coffee region, gear up for our local coffee cupping event with the top specialty coffee roasters in the northwest and the top sponsors, see all the people I email every month for work in person (benefits of all of this as most work is done at the studio and solo). All this wonderful stuff, and then the holidays around the corner~!

I sit here this morning, before work, and am again, appreciative of how I have come to purchase this beautiful home. It really reminds me that all goals are not out of reach, dream big, get clear. All of the ways that my life are are a direct result of my thoughts, good and bad. It's definitely easier to use positive thinking when you are feeling positive, so if that's the case, then why not continually do the things that make you feel that way. Sometimes, when faced with even small decisions, I try to think, 'will this empower me to my goals and dreams or will this take away and detour me?' It's from a small book called, 'The Right Questions' I picked up years ago. It makes you realize that everything in your life is a choice, even the small ones. 'Should I eat this?' is a small choice that either adds to your life or impacts it negatively. Not that life is black and white, but it's a good tool when working towards creating better habits for oneself and ultimately, feeling good, more often.

I'm so happy and INCREDIBLY grateful!

Go away sickies

2011-09-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

Day 2 of the summer flu bug. No fun. Ironically, I'm even more thoughtful, of how much I have to get done over the next few weeks and slowing down shines a light on a few things I've been neglecting.

A lot of work is coming at once, but I can't complain because I absolutely, LOVE what I do, know it will all eventually get done, and love that at the end of this month, Cabin 5 and coastal air therapy awaits, and finally found a great place to rent in Maui (benefits of couching it all day.. google)

Still, I'm not loving the half-brain, aches and pains and feeling feverly-stupid...and hope it passes by tomorrow. It dawned on me that last week, I was asked if i wanted a flu shot. I thought, no not yet, it's not even flu season.. it's 90 degrees out. Go figure!

I think that getting sick is a body/mind reset button (a forced one.) No photos for icky posts!

The Seventh Day

2011-09-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

It's nice when you wake up and remember a habit that you had once started but forgot. One of those for me was taking Sundays as a day of rest, reflection and renewal. It resonated more clearly to me after reading Matthew Kelly's book about the Rhythm of Life. (I realize the Bible teaches this too about Sundays.) This is one of those books that changed my life over a year ago, and it's one that I pick up every so often and re-read. (Matthew's, not the bible...) He states that in life, it all comes down to energy. If you look at your life, in this perspective, it makes a lot of sense to take the last day of the week to slow down from all the craziness, enjoy family time, be in your home, rest, read, reflect and plan for the next week. If you measure your life in energy, how much do you have, and how you replenish it individually is so important, and I feel that it's a constant learning curve. Every time I do this on a Sunday, I have a better week. How are you suppose to know where you are going, if you don't stop and think about it for a minute, feel it for a day, meditate and enjoy a piece of nature to realign your spirit. Well, that and a google search for beach homes in Maui to stay at in a few weeks!

Quiet Sundays call for more intricate breakfasts!

One of my dear friends' wedding was last night, and I can't express how happy I am for him and his new wife. I've seen my friend through some rough times over the last ten years, and he is one of those people who will stop and listen to you, no matter what, one of those people who really cares and gives you a couch out of his living room the week you move into your new house, so you don't have to sit on the floor.. or basically makes you take your old, nasty couch to the goodwill because it's, well.. time to..

Good friends touch your lives in so many ways, you never know how sometimes. I am grateful to have been able to be a part of their very beautiful wedding, and it just makes me so incredibly happy to see my friend happy. Life is really made up of special moments.

Draw The Line

2011-08-31T11:08:00.000-07:00

Certain weeks go with certain artists. Monday started with many different versions of Babylon playing on my iTunes, and now it's this song, Nemesis I've been to a lot of concerts but David is the only one I keep coming back to, over and over again.

I won't put the poetic lyrics up here...sometimes a song just speaks to you unconsciously.. then one day, you get it. Okay, back to work...(SIGH).

David is to Fall as Adam Durst is to Winter.

Changing Seasons

2011-08-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

After about a month of fighting anxiety and depression, it's finally lifting. Life is hard enough, but when you feel angst inside, it's even harder! It wasn't nec. a bad pitfall of a funk, but it was loooonnng. I still had great moments and did one of the top financial months for my business in the ten years of business..., but underlying was a shifting problem to solve and hence insomnia, sadness and difficulty. Today though, I am grateful. I was able to enjoy the weekend and catch up with sooo many wonderful friends. From Friday to now (Sunday night) it's been filled with social events with people I love, birthdays, family, friends and being home. I usually get the summer blues, and honestly moreso this year with the transition of Elle being grown and busy, and no real summer trips planned. As August comes to a close, and I just saw some football on TV (YEAH!), I am excited that it is almost Fall. I know I love this upcoming season, but the anticipation for it is almost just as good as those beautifully colored days, slight breezes, rain that washes away summer but gives off the smell of dry leaves from hot days. Ahhhhh.... School starts for Ellie (Sophomore year...) nights get super cozy, and my favorite type of cooking begins... hearty stews, squashes, and the harvest from my grapevine, fig tree, apple tree and tomato plants. YUM. Flavorful Oregon Pinot Noirs replace summer Pinot Gris, and bike commuting all of September pushes me into shape and into much needed realm of nature along the river, every morning and evening. There you go, I'm an Autumn person.

I look back on this blog now that I've had for a few years and about this time every year I'm like... enh.... where is Autumn! I have to notice that I am waiting for the next season which isn't really being present but I don't care... I know what I love, and it's a time that I get clear and energized. Now that I am more familiar with my personal rhythm .. I look back and see how a process goes through me.. first I travel, then drink a bit more than normal, then stop sleeping... then I start isolating and not eating, and oh the cycle continues. ICK, NO, THANK YOU. I am so glad it's passed. I still have some things to do to move forward in this transition, but at least I know what to do and I can finally sleep again.

The next two months will be filled with: a new office remodel, Ray Lamontange concert, two weddings for friends and family, Seattle Coffee Fest, Coast Cabins beach trip...and at the end of October, a trip to Maui for not only vacation, but a seminar with two of my favorite motivational present moment motivators. (SIGH) It's gonna be a great Fall...as it always is.

not thinking.

2011-08-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

Could use another, but wow. Packed a lot in!

Warm summer concert of Amos Lee at Edgefield with friends, taking the day off Friday to chill, super saver shopping at freddies and a new rug for the living room, cruiser bike Saturdays to amazing breakfast with the teenagers and Kat, waiting in line for the best sushi dinner in the city, countryside sunset drives and long talks with my love, Saturday night movie rentals and snugglin', good gym workouts and sauna, bambino hugs and playtime with a party for my wonderful friends and their upcoming baby... Am I ready for a super busy week? NO...

Nothing much...

2011-08-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

It's been busy as usual, but tonight I found myself lonely again in the thick of the summer, sipping my pinot gris, watering my lawn, listening to Ray Lamontage on the ipod home loudly, and the nice breeze running through this lovely house. This lovely little cottage that I sure would like to share with someone someday. I feel like last summer I was here too, wanting this, feeling like I have really gotten my ducks in a row the past 2 years.. business is good, this house is lovely.. it's really a home... and when the kids are here, and there are people, it's a home. When it's just me, that's ok too, but there is an underlying something missing that gets louder every year. I know that there are good things in store for me.. it's coming.. Moments like this, are good, they remind me what I want. Family.

People around me say, enjoy this time, this quiet, the moments to yourself. Yah, ok. I do! I'm gettin' good at my little tiny life, and I want to nurture, share, cook for people I love, get stressed by it, and kiss little ones goodnight. My daughter slowly approaching more and more days where she doesn't want a hug or kiss, and it's been confusing as a mom who loves to nurture. Her nurturing comes in different ways now, "take me to the mall, let me do things.. " it's all a process, and I'm learning to embrace the change and flow of life. Yet in all honesty... I've been ready for quite some time to share my life with someone and I keep listening, I keep trying to master my patience. I try to be patient, but nights like this, I am lonely. There are too many nights in between... At the end of the day, we do want love, but even greater, the need TO love and give. Fall is near... my season, nature...

Another Post about Pace

2011-08-05T08:40:00.000-07:00

The 'princes' treehouse room (got a new bedroom set, that sits high above and I can see that walnut tree even better.
I feel a slowdown coming on and I'm thankful to embrace it. After a long winded weekend, and running from myself so to speak for a few weeks, I've finally shifted into a comfortable space and it feels good. Sometimes I need to travel to find my groove again, gain perspective and appreciate all that is in my life. I've been going so fast, and work has gotten so busy, that I forgot it was even summer. Of course summer took a bit long to arrive this year in Oregon, now that we have barely two months left of it, I am ready to enjoy it.

Life is never boring. I recognize the spaces where I need the tv on or search to fill the void, and the other spaces, where I crave peace, want quiet, and enjoy simple things without rushing. This is my preferred space... it's where my soul lives from, and not my mind, it's the place where I sleep better, enjoy food more, notice my daughters ever changing moods and needs, and slow down. I am glad that summer is here because I needed a slow down reminder. All creative, intuition, and good energy comes from this space. I guess I just really appreciate it when it shows up inside of me. The next month, I am excited to embrace being outside more, riding my bike, taking some yoga classes, going on some hikes, getting back to cooking with what is harvested from my garden and fruit trees, taking care of my home and yard, spending nice moments with my wonderful partner and our daughters, and focusing on work while at work, so I can take all leisure moments to the fullest.

Seattle / San Fran summer weekend

2011-08-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

The famous succulent wall at Flora Grub

Succulents from Flora Grub, View from breakfast, and Leticia, my sister and I outside after Sunday brunch at Plow
Friday I drove up to Seattle to spend time with a college friend, Megan, it was a nice time! The next am, I popped on a flight to SFO to surprise my sister for her birthday. It was a nice weekend of women friends and getting away from the normal views in my life bubble I like to call it (what we usually see on a daily basis). It's good to travel, open ones perspective and try to process things in ones life.

This weekend I did a lot of work on tackling fear in my life. Most of us live in fear through areas of our lives. Lately, I've realized how I hold myself back by this one emotion. If you pay attention, it's quite apparent how it can run rampage and affect you.. that and STRESS! For the last few weeks I've had a duration of it and this weekend was a good transition into facing it head on, processing it and then finally saying to the world, Feel the fear and DO IT ANYWAYS! A life lesson that continually gets reiterated to me is that the more I take risks, the more I create the life I really want. This in itself is freedom. Freedom to me, always starts with me.

I love the colors in SF, so pretty!

Now during a two hour delay at SFO, instead of worrying about the wait and focusing on the negative like most everyone around me here, I can write this lovely blog post!

Me at ocean beach, SF about an hour ago... I needed to breathe the ocean in.

SMS: How are you?

2011-07-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

I was biking home today and something just started to get me thinking about how our world is changing with text messaging. I think I became annoyed when reflecting on the few texts i got earlier in the week that were small talk pings. "How are you?" in a text message... made me start to think. What kind of response does one expect when asking how you are in a text message. I suppose a few responses would be good, ok, fine, great. I have one word for that. BORING. I'd much rather someone send a text that communicates that they'd love to get together and catch up, or plan a phone call to talk. It's tough for me to participate in this small talk banter via text. Am I alone on this?

I love texting, don't get me wrong, it's convenient, easy, you don't have to talk when others are in the room or in a loud place and I'm highly addicted to the quick style of messaging in a busy life. But I'd like to think that texting is a practical medium of communication... for particular reasons such as having little kids, being in a loud place, communicating simple things, like, i'm running late, or what is the address, or I miss you to my daughter, or a warm fuzzy that you are feeling to send to someone and brighten their day.

I've experienced that everyone has a style too, some are texters, some pick up the phone. I'd honestly rather my phone would ring instead of a text message if someone wants to ask me how I am, or write a sincere email so I can respond sincerely instead of: fine, great, ok, soso, I'm terrible today.. I suppose as technology increases, my craving for human interaction and sincere communication grows. Or what about the text response from a phone message. That one is always comical to me. I leave a phone message for someone and they text in response --- this can be convenient, but one knows the difference between convenience, laziness or other unknown reasons.

In a new world of iphones, email, facebook and ichat.. are we loosing the capacity to reach out and really CARE? Or do we just want a response. Don't be offended if I'm not responding right away to your text message, I'm just still thinking of something more original to write in response.

Monday thoughts, by JB.

Where there is love there is life.

2011-07-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

So far, a cold summer has been filled with a lot of family activities and I've really enjoyed that. It reminds me of how much love there is in the world and how many amazing people there are that can walk into your life, and the opportunity to love and connect with them. Ellie, me, Sophia and D have had some nice moments over the last month and I really cherish that. It reminds me of the love, it just makes everything better in life. At dinner, instead of just Elle and I, now there are 4 of us... and you know what? The more people, the more to love! Holding openness for this new chapter, and embracing whatever comes, has been my current journey. Realizing that, it's a gift TO love people and give that. Not only to my 15 year old, but to Sophia who is five and such a sweetheart and really loves hanging out at my house, and even loves cooking with me and learning how to grow vegetables.

Last weekend, I came home and Elle had written Sophia's name on the steps of the house. Then D wrote my name, then Ellies... the next day, I picked up the chalk and wrote D's name on the top step and gave him his own emocon, a star. I couldn't help but take a photo of how cute this co-collaboritve outdoor art piece was. It rained two days later, so I'm thankful that I snapped a few pics.
It really is... the simple, little things, that hold so much joy and satisfaction in life. That and landing a huge new annual account made for a pretty good week! I am truly, truly grateful for the life that I live.

Start to summer detox!

2011-06-24T12:23:00.000-07:00

So there is a first for everything. I think since I started drinking wine around age 25, this month was probably the first time I didn’t have a glass of wine for PMS. Wow, that was tough.. hormones raging, feeling anxious, emotional and not myself. A big glass of vino sure takes the edge off.

But lately and after a winter of dating, going out for drinks, and socializing with my friends, my drinking started becoming almost every night or at least 4-5 evenings a week. My consumption also increased, instead of one, I’d have at least 3, sometimes 4. And counting the hangovers and lost next days of couching it, I started to realize that my social drinking was affecting my productivity, my health and my life.

So, ironically, my partner has to go through diversion for sleeping in his car with the keys in the ignition, regardless, A DUI.. his 3 month not drinking requirement was sure to take an effect on my life as well. Most of the drinking I do lately, was with him or my girlfriends. So I decided to take a 30 day challenge of detox for myself, and in support of him. June 6-July 6th.

The first week was good, I started feeling better but doubted my ability to be in settings where there was drinking. After a week, I was surprised at how amazing I felt and how easy it was to meet up with friends and not have anything to drink. After another week of this, it was even easier because at this point I was feeling so good, my energy was high and my productivity in all aspects of my life was awesome. At this point, I didn’t want to have a drink because I knew that waking up feeling amazing was worth it. Well, the following week, my pms set in and it got sunny. I went for a run and wanted a beer or wine on my back porch when I got home. I found this weekend more challenging but I got through it, and replaced my fix with chocolate! One night, I went to freddies and forgot my debit card after shopping.. I was embarrassed, mad, and stressed and immediatley wanted a drink. This was interesting to me that I thought it would help, and my mind thought it would help. But, the moment passed and after that it was just a moment.

I am now on week 3. I have forgotten that I need a drink when I get stressed. I have more energy to love, more energy to give, more focus to give to my work, and I am much healthier. My skin is not dehydrated, I have no excuses when I wake up or want to go to the gym because there is no alcohol moving through my bloodstream. D and I have found other activities like spending more time at the gym, cooking and going to the movies. Plus, the money saved is incredible!

I’m learning a lot about myself in this detox, about my habits and my mind. It brings me back to that quote that Wayne Dyer says, ‘change your habits = change your life’

So true! I keep wanting to improve my life and if I get off track, I like to take notice and action. This experiment is good for me and has taught me a lot that some of my habits with alcohol have gotten to be a little dependent. I love a yummy cocktail or great bottle of wine, don’t get me wrong, and I’m not going to not drink after my cleanse, but I do enjoy a reset button of realizing when too much has been too much!

Now that I feel better, sometimes I think, why even drink? Life is exciting and crazy enough without it.

Flowers, Food + Exercise

2011-06-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorite things... The weekend started out sunny and lovely --- my garden is taking shape and is ready for lounging and visitors! Friday I ran 4 miles in the heat which was the first time this year, I forgot how it takes a bit to adjust to summer runnin', after coming home I made this delicious meal of fresh alaskan salmon with a creamy dill sauce, mashed potatoes and fresh corn, + salad from the garden. YUM. Luckily I didn't eat it all, and made a heaping plate for D after his late working day. I looked over and that plate was empty in about 2 minutes. Guess he liked it.

It's interesting when my kid is gone away, sometimes I don't know what to do with myself, because I've been a mom now for 15 years, and when Ellie is away... I get a little lonely. She's been at her step-moms all week watching her brother to help out. Don't get me wrong, I get a lot done and the house stays clean.... and I enjoy the first few days of solitude, but after a bit, the house just feels like a house, not a home.. so in a few minutes Elle is coming home and I'm happy that the house will turn back into a family home. Sundays are for family.I'm happiest when I wake up, make breakfast for everyone and do some house or garden projects.

So on my last few hours alone and battling a bit of hormonal emotions, I rode my Mt bike, (which has been collecting dust in the basement), up to Mt Tabor and around the trails. It's been a few years since I rode the Mt bike up there, and it was refreshing.. Mt Tabor is only 2 miles from my house and what I consider a playground for adults (kids too but hey). With my shocks and heavy tires, I couldn't help jumping a few things.. and thought to myself, this never gets old! Mt biking channels the inner 6 year old, bmx, mud-lover in me.. and throws me right back into being a kid. Exercise plus being in the middle of a forest is surreal. Plus, there really isn't anything better than popping a wheelie.. I know I'm 35, but hey, I'm young at heart and always will be!

After my ride, I took myself to Por Que No? for some pescada tacos. Yummmmm, what a treat. All in all, a great weekend, and a good realization that I LOVE being a mom and want my baby back on a quiet, summer, Sunday eve.

Fresh, organic, foods!

2011-06-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

For 34 years, I was eating foods that were pretty much poison to my body, wheat. So, as it's only been a year since my wheatfree life, I'm still learning how to re-cook, re-eat, and re-learn what works for me. Honestly, a lot of times I get overly hungry, since I can't grab a convenient filler snack, and if you walk right into a Safeway, and just take note... it seems like everything has gluten in it. I wish more people would see how much of this is in EVERYTHING... But now that it is summer, I am re-discovering foods and need to challenge myself to make new favorites! Recently, my friend's mom leaned over and said to me, "NEVER buy eggs again!" and she shoved a dozen fresh eggs into my arms and said, "here, take these!" So now that I have a fresh egg supplier, (and yes, it's true, they are so much better than store bought eggs.) I want more of my foods to be this fresh.
Portland's Farmers Market at PSU. There are so many items here, it's smart to come with a menu plan!

I live in the Pacific Northwest and this time of year, we are blessed with fresh food markets, open air produce stands, and farms around the region open their doors for you to buy direct. Although New Seasons is quite the convenience, I have challenged myself to grow more veggies this year, buy more fresh foods and learn to cook with them as well. One of my sisters actually runs a farm called Sea Breeze up on Vashon Island and everything is fresh. Talking to her the other day was fascinating to hear all the things she knows about producing these fresh goodies from milk and cheese to chickens! So, I'm on a quest. Eating healthier makes me feel great, not drinking alcohol lately makes me feel amazing too. Health has become my new drug and I am so productive.

Summer Sundays

2011-06-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

Summer is just beginning into the second half of June (finally!) Thankfully, these are my favorite 6 months of the year, summer, fall, and typically warm, mild starts to winter, as the leaves pretty much fall until December and we don't usually start hibernating until then.

Today is my 6th day of not drinking, and I feel great. Doing a small cleanse from the stuff, and I have more energy, feel better and honestly am much happier. I can tell I'm happy when I want to relish every free moment and time is not pushed, nor uncomfortable in the moment, I simply enjoy each of them. Small schedule changes or plans changing don't upset me when I feel like this (which would be nice to feel like this MOST of the time... ie. the goal) So I practice, letting things go, and when I do this, everything works out, I'm pleasantly surprised with what comes into the day, and nothing is as big of a deal unless i make it so. What a great way to live.

This morning I woke up to a quiet house, just me and my dog. The sun was shining, my kitchen was clean and I made myself a nice pot of stumptown coffee and sat on my back deck to listen to the birds, smell the honeysuckle that is blooming next to the deck and let the morning sun warm my face as I made my plan for the day. It's so nice, that I wish this moment would last all day. I'd rather NOT get in my car and go to Home Depot. Days like this... when you really savor the quiet, you almost want to keep creating it through the day. It's these moments that remind me of Orcas Island. Why do I like it so much up there... It's the peace, the nature, the elements that are just simple... do some yoga, soak, have a healthy breakfast, go for a walk, sit along the rocks and watch the boats in the sound, take a hike, soak in the hot springs... it's all to get back in touch with nature. That is why June is wonderful, we get outside again, we get away from the living room, and the outside becomes another place to live and play.

Today is the last day of the week for me, until a busy work week. I am going to take this day with a big breath of fresh air and play in my garden, plant my tomatoes, and prep for the week. Even though I live in the city, I try to pretend that my house can serve as a quiet oasis as much as I want it to be on a day where there are no work interruptions or responsibilities but to recharge and renew. Above all of that, I think the key to enjoying all of this, is learning to REALLY enjoy hanging out with yourself. I have to say after the past few years, I've come to that place and it's such a freeing gift of growth.

Beach playmates

2011-05-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

Me and Darin, iphone addicts photographing each other at the same time.

36 hours of spontaneity at the Oregon Coast, led to some pretty awesome memories. Isn't it better when you don't have a plan? If you try it, it can be quite liberating... and suddenly luck just goes your way, because the expectation is out of the equation and you are simply in the MOMENT of every moment. D and I are good friends when playing at the beach: finding rocks together, swimming and catapolting off his shoulders, gambling at the casino (winning of course), throwing the chucket ball for the dog, long talks about life, wine tasting, and quiet moments in the car. I figure, if you can find someone to play with and be quiet with, it's a nice fit for traveling.. fun and peaceful at the same time. I came back feeling completely zen and along with that feeling, an inner peace. The beach does that to me. Someday... I'll have a house there to roll away to anytime. Until then, the Best Western will do!

Remembering 1982. Remembering Dad.

2011-05-26T08:18:00.001-07:00

Chris Bernert, about 29 years old

This post will be a little challenging to write, I can already tell as my eyes well up a little and I cried when seeing my mom post a photo of my dad's grave this morning on Facebook. This day always throws me, although I was six when the accident happened, I'm affected by this loss everyday as it is a part of me and who I am now, and I also remember the event quite vividly. My mother used to say that his death affected me the most, most likely because I was the oldest of the four kids, and him and I used to hang out outside all the time while the little ones were inside (perks of being the oldest!) I was his side-kick in the little red truck and basically just followed him around while he tended to his many projects, chickens, the river, the shed, the garden. He was an outside guy, and I have to say, I'm not much different. My favorite days are spent outside doing projects, just like my Dad. As I just turned 35, today marks the 29th year of him being gone.

Dad, on his tugboat
I miss him often. I missed him even more lately when getting close to someone new, and wanting him to meet my father. Our parents are a piece of us, and it's important for the people we care about to meet them. It's a loss that burns deep in my soul and something I've learned to accept will most likely always be there, and that is ok. I've learned to live with it, it's triggers, it's acceptance and the way I just plain miss him some times more than others. Him and my mom were soul mates, and the older I get, I can't comprehend what it would have been like to lose the love of her life, with 3 little kids that they had and one on the way (my brother Jered, who ironically, looks very much like Chris). But life is good now and our family has survived this trauma of losing my father and my papa May 26, 1982. Darin looked at me at dinner the other day and told me, my dad would be really proud of me for all that I've accomplished. Even though he's never met him, it felt good to hear, and I think he's right. Chris would be proud of all of his kids and how Cindy (my mom) did a superwoman job of raising us all to be good people and best friends.
My sister, Becca and I. We are very close.
Me, September, 1983... about a year after Dad being gone. 2nd grade / 7 years old and my two front teeth gone which felt like FOREVER.

When I was little, people would always say, "You look just like your father!" Now that I passed the age that he died, 31, and as I look at photos, I look like him even more now as an adult. It's kind of trippy really... The other day, I was being sarcastic and stinker-like (another trait I inherited from my Dad), and my Nana (my Dads mother) said, "Oh my lord, Christopher J, just looked back at me!

Rising Water

2011-05-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

My love of the river remains strong and my pull towards it, everlasting. Growing up with a dock and riverfront house was a kids dream come true, and now I get to work a few blocks from the river and my commute into the city via bike, puts me right next to it! I love the smell of fish on a hot muggy day, and the cool breeze, or the way the fog lifts from it in the morning. One of my favorite times on my commute is along the Eastbank Esplanade, and crossing the STEEL Bridge. I just couldn't believe the water level of the river at this time of year. I've been commuting into the city for 4 years and have never seen it this high. I can practically touch it!

Pace Setting

2011-05-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

I was driving into work today, noticing that I have not had a lot of down time to reflect, (which I love..) but then my mind switched to the idea of pace in life. How sometimes life feels slow and there is time to read, and cook slowly, and sleep more, other times it just speeds by. I honestly like both. Right now the pace feels pretty fast, but I am enjoying all the activities, seeing friends and having so much fun.

Saturday, I watched Sophia (my friend's five year old) and we spent the day at two parks, running errands, cooking to prep for the party, snuggling watching "UP" and just having kid time felt great. She sure reminds me of me when I was little and of Ellie Belly who all too quickly... grew up to the age of 15 in a blink of an eye.

GF 1 YEAR!

2011-05-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

May marks one year being gluten free and changing my diet. WOW, a year already! Something this has taught me, is that small changes over time have good results. When you set out and try something new to change your lifestyle overall, it can be daunting... will this work? Will i feel better, or the big question... Can I do this?

I must say it's been a challenge, but throughout the year of touching the stove (testing myself and on numerous occasions trying to re-introduce it to REALLY see if I react)... I just FEEL better without wheat products and gluten. The downside to this is that honestly, bread products fall apart with no gluten, pasta tastes bland... and honestly, I REALLY miss pizza, bagels, pasta choices at great restaurants and a cold IPA without having my throat feel swollen and the few days after of feeling under the weather. I thought I had to swear off all wheat products, but now there are options. The point is, when I'm clear of wheat, my skin looks great, I don't have headaches, swollen glands or stomach issues.

It's taken me about 1 year too, to know how to skim a menu at a restaurant, get used to paying more at NEW SEASONS for my gluten free food options and just plain learning not to eat so much bread, less red meat and more fruits and vegetables. Living in Portland has been really helpful, and the increasing knowledge and social acceptance of this dietary need is welcomed. This morning I stopped in at the Sweet Pea baking company for a gluten free muffin, and at the end of a very busy day, I met my daughter at the HUB, Hopworks Brewery, and enjoyed a gluten free beer and even a burger with a gluten free bun.. I've learned how to order without buns, so having a GF bun was like a super treat! I'd honestly been craving meat all week and I am very tired of chicken and shrimp lately! The city I live in, Portland, Oregon, has so many healthy options and know I know that pubs are tough to eat at (besides the local organic ones) Thai food is always a great bet, and I'm slowly learning how many food choices have wheat and gluten in them from constantly reading labels on things before I eat them. Iv'e learned how to pack my own GF snacks on trips or travel, and even bring my own bread at times.

I just discovered a few gluten free beers that have come out and after really missing a cold one here and there, I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't have to always 'miss out'! It has been a continual challenge but I can only imagine that in another year, I will be even better at this. The sweetest thing is hearing my family and friends watch out for me and be conscious of it.. which is really nice because they don't have to, and I have learned how to take care of this on my own. But, it really is thoughtful and loving when my mom and Alan think of that before a restaurant or handing me a snack, or watching D learn about what I can and can't eat, and even introducing more rice products in my cooking when I cook for others (they can't even tell the difference!) (:

Small changes or time, makes big results. I hope that after 34 years of eating the wrong things that eating the right things will continue to heal and nourish my body instead of fight against it! Bye bye swollen glands, I won't be missing you.

Oh, Ray

2011-05-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

Happiness is learning this am that Ray Lamontagne (one of my FAVORITE bands) is adding Portland to his extended tour dates on Sept 4th at Edgefield. Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Explosions in the Sky

2011-05-09T12:31:00.001-07:00

What an awesome 35th birthday. Lunch with my family on Balboa Island, sunshine... palm trees... PDX airport... greeted by Darin hugs, who surprised me and took me to a lovely sushi dinner. So many memories, but this one, and pulling the car over as the rain started to capture it, will not be forgotten. Photo taken via iphone, not photoshopped one bit! I love Oregon.

New Furniture!

2011-05-02T20:06:00.001-07:00

It's May. (yay!) May marks a few things. Spring in Oregon, the jumpstarting of my fitness training for the season (joined a running group with Sadie today!) and the much ominous 35th birthday next weekend. Yikes! Luckily I'll be in the best place, surrounded by my family in Newport, Cali. I've had a great year, and last month I finally found a couch set I liked for the new house. It feels really good to have enough places for my friends and family to lounge, I want them to stay, give them drink and feed them so they stay and hang with me. A good comfy living room is a good place to start (:

Love will dismiss your fears

2011-05-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

I had a moment in the car ride home from the coast with this song (by Mumford and Sons, After the Storm), and I could imagine this playing in my future, but maybe an acoustic version with no words. Someday...

Living with Intention

2011-05-01T16:56:00.000-07:00

Mid-week retreat with my bestie, Kat

I haven't written a post in awhile.. I think about things to write about, but I've simply been enjoying life so much, it's been hard to choose what to write about. Amongst all these amazing moments I have been experiencing and how utterly grateful I feel with what I've been experiencing (falling in love with an amazing man) I found something to document. A reminder of sorts... something that comes to conversations between my closest friends often, some new friendships developing and some old ones being nurtured.

I sat down on my back deck this afternoon while D so generously hooked up my water to my fridge (he is my hero!!!). I found some old notebook in a cupboard and since I've noticed the urge to draw lately, I picked it up and took it outside with no real agenda.

As I opened the pages, a few cut-outs from magazines that I had taken when working on a dreamboard months ago, fell out. What a discovery. I forgot about this stack of images. I found a photo of a couple playing together, some words about yoga, health and nature. I found the words, love, thrive, real trust and make love, cut out. i found a woman with a little baby on her chest sleeping. I found an image of Hawaii and some images of succulents that I love.

I am not sure what month I did this, but I imagine it was last year sometime at Kat's house because the images were from some of her magazines... when I was trying to get clear on what I was looking for in my life. The trippy thing when you stumble upon images that you had for a dream board is noticing how acurate they are as they have actually manifested! As I looked at all these images, I just sorta got tripped out... everything but the hawaiian trip. and obviously the baby... have happened since I cut these images out. I'm constantly in amazement of how powerful our thoughts and intentions are, even though I firmly believe in this process, it's a process of complete faith, receiving, spirit and love and letting go of fears. All things that are intangible... and our western society, the syncronacies of energies and the power of that isn't something that is considered mainstream thinking.

D is happy. Photo taken at the top of Angels Rest, Oregon

Tober loves hiking, and I can't believe I live in this beautiful place

Even this weekend, I got back from CC, surrounded by succulents I love, welcomed home by a wonderful man to spend my weekend with and play with on a lovely hike to Angels Rest... We did an amazing session of Yoga at the gym and feel all of the feelings I wrote out for intention that I wanted in my life. To illustrate, I'd scan in these cutouts and show you photos of the similarities in my life, but this is a blog, not a job, so again, have faith on how accurate it is!

Since about early February, my life has been filled with happiness and great energy. Thank you universe!

So when am I going to Hawaii, or maybe I should upgrade that wish to Brazil?

Many ways to have a perfect evening / morning

2011-04-06T08:43:00.001-07:00

There are many ways that one might find an evening just right, or a sense of contentment that comes over at certain times in the week, month or year. I recognized this feeling last night. The day was fine, although my car broke down after my gym workout. I must be balanced because the stress that it normally would cause me wasn't so present. I sorta just laughed and realized that maybe it will be nice to work at home tomorrow and wait for my car to get fixed (praying it doesn't cost too much). But on the same note, I started feeling grateful for ALL the strangers who helped me yesterday.. from the phone representative at AT&T to the Alaskan Airlines phone gal, to the guy who jumped my car, to the people at Sunset Audi who were very helpful and their driver who drove me home after dropping the car off. All these little helpers to get me through my day, wow. I have learned that I cannot do everything myself as I usually like to do. This has been somewhat and still is, a gradual process of 'letting go'.

So after all that, I came home to my dinner already marinating and planned out, a pretty darn clean house, my great dog, and my daughter coming home from school and jumping into her math tutoring. After our nice healthy dinner that turned out great and left me with many more meals frozen for future use... I poured a glass of Pinot, turned out the lights, lit a candle and listened to classical music very loud. I just lay there and think and play the piano in my mind, it's like therapy for me. I can play the keys without thinking, and this way of playing music is a form of personal meditation. THIS is why I love to play i realized... not necessarily the music that comes from it, but the feeling from playing and not being able to think about anything else but that.

I needed a night to myself.. a quiet one. I woke up this morning to a very sweet picture of D's daughter going to her first day of Montesorri school, it was such a cute pic, and made myself a healthy breakfast. I've completed some harry deadlines last week, so this week is a re-grouping, re-balancing from stress, and appreciating all and everything I work so hard for. I'm truly... grateful. Yoga at 10:30 is going to feel great.

ps. this picture is just how i feel when im centered... on a lake, at a peaceful cabin in the woods!

Spring Chicken

2011-04-03T13:50:00.000-07:00

What a great weekend. Spent friday with my bestie after a very long week of work, and we went out for a nice dinner and dressed up after spending the early evening getting mani-pedis (a much deserved spa-treatment.)

After madly cleaning my house, D came over with Sophia (Bia) and we headed off to OMSI. We had a fun day exploring the museum, and the girls were great to spend a Saturday with. I put some photos together of the weekend.

Today we drove out to the countryside of Oregon City and I found myself and my camera fascinated with the chickens. I grew up with having chickens in the back yard and living the farm-like lifestyle, so the sense of familiarity along with the personalities of these little creatures had me in awe. Then, while putting the photos together, I stuck a photo of the cart that I visited earlier today, me, and a chicken. Although this wasn't the story, I thought, how interesting that a group of images can create a story in your mind so quickly. I had the veggie taco btw.

2011-03-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

Fail with consequence, lose with eloquence and smile.

- "Consequence", by The Notwist

First spring weekend

2011-03-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

This is the time where Spring starts to transform very quickly in a few weeks. Sun peaks out longer and I can take a break on my back deck and just sit and soak it up (w/ a hat of course) I realize I talk about the seasons often, but it's true they affect me tremendously.

I am very grateful for this wonderful month. I feel like I am more clear than ever and my struggles from a few months back, feel like a part of the past that made the future brighter. The money came in, I actually purchased a new living room furniture set that I love, my clients are wonderful, and I really could not ask for a better life right now.

This weekend I got everything I wanted done, including a work-out in at the gym! I need a to start taking photos because I can't describe that this is week 2 of some of the best weeks of my year.

Life is changing, with me and around me and I am ready for it, and lately see the big picture way more often than I previous did. In life, in growth and with the word family, in mind.

Yes!

2011-03-17T13:51:00.000-07:00

It's back! That very good feeling I had in September, where I feel like I can do anything. I'm rarely bored, energetic and feeling great. This past week has been awesome, despite a few external challenges, nothing seems to be able to counteract the strength inside of me.

I put a few photos together of things in the last week that have made me happy.
Hugging babies, great girls nights out with my bestie, little kid photos of my friends that make me smile, signs of spring coming up, and a new couch set I am probably going to get soon.

Transitions and symbols of change and coming out of a long winter! It's going to be a fantastic year. Now I just need to get outside!

Ok, I'm listening

2011-03-06T17:54:00.001-08:00

Sometimes you hear music, then another time, you really hear it in your heart. Words and lyrics aren't always necessary with music, you just feel it. I feel open enough to listen, or beginning to... Happy early spring...

A winter list: updated

2011-02-27T19:32:00.001-08:00

Bob's Red Mill grocery store and cafe

Oh lovely winter. I love the snow, I hate the gray. Daylight savings is in about 1 week...tic toc

Winter --- this year, really trying to embrace it, no trips to the tropics planned, no cali escapes to come... so this is a new experience for me, to not escape. Symbolism? (; So I write this in my yoga gear, sitting on the couch w/ my laptop, listening loudly to Beethovens Sonata No. 1 in F minor and enjoying a small, glass of Pinot Noir from the Willamette Valley. (post-workout glass)

I have a new list of things I've discovered that make me enjoy and embrace this season.

• classical music / symphony. An awakening memory that was an incessant part of my upbringing. Mozart, Chopin, and Debussy ring like comfort sounds to my ears. In the middle of traffic or a quiet moment in my room or during a bath, I like to play the piano music. I'd rather be playing it... but oh well - close enough. In 2009 I went to Napa to listen to George Winston at the Napa Concert Hall. Brilliant idea on my part (: Must see him again soon.

• cozy dinners with my daughter.Tonight we went to Por Que No? She loved it.... the weather was stormy outside, but inside, wonderful colors and ambiance, plus amazing TACOS. I love tacos.

• getting slower, accepting that I do not have to just keep "doing". That the floor is clean ENOUGH. That the laundry can sit another day. These non-ocd tendencies are difficult for me to embrace, but I am trying.

• The movies. Going to the movies is awesome in the winter. I never really feel like it in the summer unless we bike there.

• Less strenuous exercise. What? Yes. Less exercise.... Actually, I'm just starting to listen to my body type more, and for my vata nature and to keep balance, lower key exercise is best for me. The 100 miler might be moved off the list. Strenuous stuff, just makes me sick. ): Yoga, running, cycling, stretching... and not killing myself to push so hard, are going to be accepted. No more drill sergants in my life, so listening to my body.

• Getting thoughtful. My mother just called. She was in tears. I said, "what's the matter mom?" she said, she had just come from church and the message was about abandonment. She said she just couldn't stop thinking of me and all the stuff I endured as a child. A wave of compassion came over her and she hurt for me. She said she had to call me to share her feelings. I can't express what a unique moment that was...Reminds me to do the same. When I have a good thought, or experience, to call or write that person and share it. Moments pass....but they can be remembered.

• sleep. I'm not one to sleep too much, nor am I a napper. But I need a good amt of sleep a night or you don't want to be around me really.... Lately, I've been really bear-like. Loving my bed, loving my blankets.. and today bought an eye mask for Sunday naps. The younger me would not do this, but I am embracing the rest, because the more rested I am, the better I feel and can take on the day. I think winter is a good time for this, I don't even mind the extra few pounds.. it's winter and I'm cold. Honestly, this is most likely a sign of aging.

• bobs red mill. Recently discovered this health food oasis only a few miles from my casa. Steel oats, gluten free wonderland, and a wonderful cafe to eat at. As I continue the gluten free, wheat free lifestyle, I find more ways that I can eat bread and oats without the ingredients that make me sick. Recently, I do test the waters and have a bite of pasta or beer, but lo and behold, the headaches, stomach aches and swollen throat are clear reminders that my machine does not take that kind of fuel!

• hot foods. I appreciate winter because I'm not a salad, or cold food person. I love hot meals, warm foods and cozy meals. They soothe.

Ok..my mind is drawing a blank, will have to add more later.

I heart snow

2011-02-26T08:11:00.001-08:00

Woke up to this the other day.. a winter wonderland at my house! Just wanted to post the photo for my blog so I can look back in the summer and remind myself that life is all about seasons and change. Sometimes when we are in a season... summer, or winter, it feels like it will never change, but then slowly, and surely, hints of change occur and then before you know it, your environment is completely different. Just a reminder, the most constant thing in life IS change.

A Familiar Stirring..

2011-02-20T17:13:00.001-08:00

My inner-hippie, nature child is starting to stir for more outside time, and quiet. I've been having a lot of daydreams about Orcas Island again and the hot springs... but I think my intention to visit Breitenbush will be fulfilled soon and winter might be the perfect recipe for a cozy cabin, soak and sauna, and meditation.

A persuasive case against speed - book review

2011-02-17T21:35:00.000-08:00

When work gets busy, I will juggle a handful of emails, phone calls, design direction, client emergencies, and am still inbetween about 5 computer programs going back and forth. During these times, I come home from managing all of this, and feel like my mind is buzzing like a bee... it won't slow down. I sometimes take myself up to the meditation room to slow my breathing, slow things down... but I find monkeys in my mind bouncing around, unable to sit still. I used to grab a glass of wine once I get home, but now that just doesn't seem like the right solution for me. It can be very frustrating not to be able to wind down. Over the last few years, I've only worked during the day and work hours to counteract the workaholic in me and prioritize my well... priorities. Health, family, me time... This is one area, but over time, I still keep finding other ways to slow down that benefit my overall pace in life and ultimately, my enjoyment of life itself.. and that is slowing down and not filling up the space with just anything.

So, it was no coincidence that attracted me to National Bestseller, and Carl Honores book, In Praise of Slowness. This book cultivates a great persuasion about the culture of speed that we adhere to, especially in America and especially during our working and child rearing years. He writes about many areas of the slow movement, the slow food movement, slowness pertaining to exercise and mind + body, slow lovemaking, touches on meditation and slower breathing, slow health care and healing, he compares slow cultures to the USA's, how to raise a slow (un-rushed) child, and how to find your temp giusto... which is the pace that works for you, and only you.

In a constant curiosity to find my own personal balance, and what works specifically for my body, my mind and my life, I feel that each year I get better at finding what works for me, and what gives me that overall happy feeling of contentment. One of the main things is enjoying the quality of these things, and slowing down, and listening to your body and self.

This week, I took one work day, Tuesday.. mostly because I wasn't feeling so great, and decided to stay home and work from the couch to re-balance. I enjoyed cooking three meals with healthy ingredients, not commuting, answering emails thoughtfully, and doing gentle yoga in my living room.I read into the commuting home hour and drew a nice hot bath while finishing up Carl's book. The day didn't have an ounce of anxiety in it, and I was very present to the day. Freelancing and working for myself, gives me this luxurious freedom and control for my own balance.

The next day, I was completely recharged. This is just one example of slowing down to just "listen" to what you need. Meditation teaches me the most patience in my life and tolerance to the quirks and tribulations that life brings. But re-thinking most things into a more qualitative approach and thoughtful approach is more attractive than a lot of other ideas that I have explored.

My mother always told me, "you are too fast for your own good" and she was right. My mind moves fairly quick, I was often bored by the slow pace of public education and can keep up in a fast paced work environment very well. But my lesson is, even though I can... even though I can adapt to this easily, is it good for me? What do I sacrifice... not being thorough with things in life, emails I write, words I say, rushing walks with my dog. I don't need to hurry. I find that life is much more enjoyable when I do slow down, and stop rushing to get it all done. Once I slow down, I realize, ... there IS enough time.

Here is a TED talk from Carl Honore. Pretty interesting.

A simple, after-school snack...

2011-02-15T16:22:00.000-08:00

I stayed home today to answer emails from the laptop, couch and slow things down. One of my favorite things to do if I am home or arrive home before my daughter is to have a delicious snack waiting for her when she walks in the door, tired and famished like a typical freshman is at the end of a school day. Today, I simply baked an oranic apple, from this recipe....with the core taken out and topped with butter, cinnamon and brown sugar. The aroma in the house was so cozy --- when she opened the door, she said, "mmmmm, what is that smell??"

I pulled the warm, baked apple out of the oven, sliced it up, and put some Tillamook vanilla bean ice-cream on top. She ate it right there in the kitchen, oohing and ahhing.

Ellie, like me, loves having lots of food in the kitchen, stocked up and creative choices to make when hungry. There is something comforting about having a full fridge and pantry, but more comforting when someone stays home and cooks for you!

Her after photo... mmmm

A cold commute

2011-02-09T10:53:00.000-08:00

This morning, determined to get my second commute of the week in... I hopped on my bike, only to find that ten minutes in, my hands were hurting so bad because of the cold. Know that I am decked in gear, the warmest I have...great gloves, etc.. but today I didn't know it was 31 degrees when I got outside! I usually don't bike until it's about 40 (my personal cold rule)...because although I have gloves, I do not yet own Lobster Gloves. but slowly as I rolled down the hill, freezing and in pain, out of the fog, was the sun shining on beautiful Portland. Suddenly, those 10 minutes of pain were worth it...I felt alive again, coming out of the fog and joining other commuters braving the cold. It proved to me, that even in moments of uncomfortableness, power through and everything will be ok... I got to the river, and couldn't help but take photos. "This is so worth it,"I thought to myself. The steel bridge was up though so we had to wait... but then a tugboat pushing two barges sailed through... and it reminded me of a sign from the universe about slowing down, and also a symbol of my upbringing.. that my father was a Tug Boat captain. I sat there while some cyclists turned around, impatient to wait for the path to come down. I enjoyed it, took some photos and the biked into the office where I took a longer, hot shower to warm up and made a nice, fresh hot pot of great coffee.

PS: re: top photo...I love this gals 'get-up' on her bike.. the pink leg warmers, the pink jacket. I love Portland... We really do live in a city where anything goes, and it's really awesome.

Winter Sundays

2011-02-06T09:40:00.001-08:00

one of my favorite spots on the oaks bottom trail, near sellwood. You're in the city, but the forest and nature is right there...

Our lives are so affected by the seasons, not only what we are limited too, but the foods we eat, activities we do, and things that change with the sun. I'm sitting at a coffee shop this morning and it's a quiet Sunday. Well, quiet that I am here, while 5 teenagers sleep in from Ellie's birthday party in my living room! Thought I'd give them a chance to sleep in...

With a blank and free day upon me....I started thinking of all the things I could do today: clean more, do more laundry, organize or throw more crap to good will... clean up the yard. But none of it sounded very fulfilling. Somedays, in the winter, I think we need to just listen to the message in the season, the quiet of the trees and be like that..be quiet. In the spring and summer, we are more social, outside longer and do more up till about 9pm some nights. Today, I am listening to the voice in my head that says, put that to-do list away... try to enjoy the blank Sunday, hit the gym, walk, sit at a coffee shop longer than just grabbing a coffee on the way to work. I love Sundays because they feel like a vacation day in the week. They should be non-planned, restful, and be used to rejuvinate oneself in preparation for the start of the work week.

I do get a little lonely on Sundays, being single, but that's ok. I realize that at this point in my life, it just means to enjoy it and that it probably wont last for long and I will have someone in my life (and on Sundays) in the near future. I have a strong intuition that something very life-changing is in my future the next few months. You just know when you feel that coming on and when I do, I just want to do self-care even more.

So today, I'm listening to the 47 degree, soggy and wet, winter season... turning on some classical music at home, sipping my coffee slow, reflecting on the past week, and imagining what will make the next one work well and keep me balanced and healthy. Yesterdays 30 mile bike ride sure calmed me down, spent all my nervous (stressful mostly) energy and I feel calmed all over. I love my bike... and commuting needs to occur more starting now. You know, maybe today, I will nurture by painting, meditating, and cooking a healthy dinner. It may sound like I am old now, but to me, that run-down sounds perfect and in this realm, I love getting older.

Moved by music..

2011-02-02T10:10:00.000-08:00

sometimes it takes me a long time to really get a song... this one hit me this morning while I was getting ready....this song was worth the wait, it's beautiful.

Braces off!

2011-01-24T13:07:00.001-08:00

Elle got her braces off last week, wow she is growing up so fast. Her 15th birthday is coming up and we will be getting the driving permit shortly... oh my, oh my.

She is the best daughter I could ever ask for! Just look at that cute face and that beautiful new smile.

The best Christmas present

2011-01-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

my basement: an organized area for my bike, and shelf / pantry area for stocking items! (heart, heart...) I love stocking up..

For Christmas this year, my brother Nate drew my name. He says, hey sis, what do you want for Christmas? I tell him, I just need some help around my house fixing things. He said, great, I'll come over one Sunday..for the entire day, just make me a list. (!!!!) So, yesterday, Nate came over and we hit the home depot and went around my house looking at what needed attention. One must understand that I don't have a man around to help me so I either learn, hire someone or ask for help. This is my preferred way, someone else doing these things I'm not great at.

I learned so much! I learned all about my lighting, and outlets in my kitchen, my gutters were clogged and making water damage to the side of the house (did not know this..) I got a new air filter for my furnace, new shelving for my pantry dream organized basement, a dimmer in the kitchen, heavy lifting done, a shelf upstairs and some small solutions for the attic. Wow, It was great. It reminded me how much I absolutely love doing home projects, but doing them solo is so boring. Walking around home depot with my bro, catching up with him and disecting my new house just made me so happy! He even fixed my garbage disposal and I saved on a plumber this morning. I know this all may sound trite to someone else, but it made my week having some help.

Later in the evening, I found myself searching period lighting at Rejuvination and getting very inspired to re-do some of the lighting in the kitchen and dining room to match the crafstman aspect of the home. They are spendy, but beautiful aspects to add to the home. After all this, I had a new found respect for my house and its charm.

For Kathy

2011-01-10T13:25:00.001-08:00

For an amazing and loving woman who touched my life and taught me through her presence, gentleness, nurturing ways and love. You will be missed.

After one week.

2011-01-04T10:42:00.000-08:00

The first week of the year.

Coffees: 1
Alcohol units: 0
Dog park visits: 0
HBO viewing: more than one needs in a lifetime
Couch time: incessant
Financial Stress: increasing
Times I've peed my pants coughing: too many to count (yes, this is what happens after you have a baby, even 15 years after. Sad ladies, but truths no one tells you)

My hibernation period continues until I feel healthy again. I'm not planning anything until I do. I'm tired of canceling things. At least it's a natural detox... a painful one, but still... a forced on is sometimes what we need. Meanwhile, trying to be patient and flow with it. I can't think of a photo for this depressing post.

Suffering

2010-12-31T19:32:00.001-08:00

There are many kinds.. emotional, physical, mental, suffering we inflict on ourselves, by eating the wrong things or drinking too much or not doing things that are good for us.

We balance so we don't suffer, until our bodies give us the physical pains of sickness, as I find myself in at the end of this year. I have been pretty healthy in 2010 despite all the changes, but as I pushed my limits in December and let the holidays take over, I find myself sicker than I have been in years. It's made me reflect on suffering, as this cold was more painful than anything I can remember.

It has stranded me to the couch for 3 days, lost my voice and my only relief is constant medicine and the comfort of my own home. Apparently the body yelled out to take a break. It's given me a lot of time to think about suffering... and all the kinds we inflict on ourselves. I do it by drinking, eating poorly not slowing down when I should, not saying no, and by trying to make everything perfect. I sympathize with those who have daily pain and cant imagine this lifestyle.

Life is hard on our bodies, and mine in particular is probably more sensitive than most, which is frustrating because I like to be very productive and have a hard time not being superwoman. The body is our vessel, our alarm system when we aren't listening, or slowing down... it speaks up when we won't.

I go out, or drink like others, but in reality, I can't. I never have been really able to do this, my body says otherwise. As we move into 2011, I think more about stress, habits and a healthy lifestyle that I can implement into my life more. Each year I get better, but in 2011, I'd like to really move forward with lifestyle changes and my health. It's time, and at the end of 2010, the body had the last word. I guess this is my new years resolution.

Aaaacheew!

photo of Tober looking worried at me for being so sick!

Reflecting on 2010... in one year...

2010-12-19T17:33:00.000-08:00

2010 Goals Accomplished:

Tangible: The big purchase of the year...bought the house that I love, on my own. Maintained the business (kept paying dah bills) Without any support, got Elle started into her first year of high school, sent her to a great few camps, supported her during cross-country, and her 15th birthday is around the corner.

Health: Trained for half marathon and completed it. (never ran that far in my life, past six miles even…) Thouroughly enjoyed having a running partner, and now have found my little sister to be a great new running buddy during the week...(very happy she moved back to Portland.) Finally went to a Naturopath, and figured out health issues with gluten --- became gluten free, changed eating habits and the way I eat. Felt much better, although it’s a continual challenge to break free of it, that and the fact that gluten free bread tastes terrible.

Spirit: Meditated much more in the summer, and had the opportunity and choice to work from my new home ALL summer….felt closer to myself and became happy for no other reason than getting quiet, and clear. Will never forget the weekend when it all shifted within me. Realizing that this is the way, and that god and the spirit lives within you, not outside. “to be wise like you old tree..” painted above my meditation spot in the attic….

Heart: Big year for the heart, it went through a lot, from avoidance, to acceptance, to the transition of healing a broken heart and long, attached relationship.. mended it through meditation and self-care, and then by opening my heart up again to someone new. Got honest with feelings and let it out with an old friend, and faced some emotional fears head on. Learned exactly what I want and have gotten clear with that to myself and to others. At the end of the year, I feel good.

Motherhood: As high school started, it dawned on me that I have 4 years left living with my daughter. Made me sad, made me realize how fast it goes, how much I appreciate her, and how incredibly much I love living with her and being her mother. Embracing the fact that if she goes away to college… I will be very sad! (prepping myself a few years early…)

Self: Learning the continuum of honoring the self first, take good care of the body, and above most anything else, creating healthy boundaries for my life and communicating clearly with those in my life when necessary. Realized that getting away, and mini-holidays are good for my soul and creativity, away from the computer and phone and right into nature…. Well, that, baths and good pajamas. (:

Music: Well… nana finally unloaded the Organ on me. It’s sitting in my den. Fell in love with Ray Lamontage, and have been listening to him for 4 straight months. Saw him and David Gray in concert in September and Imogen Heap in the summer with my daughter. Music is such a huge part of my life. The style though changes, and Ray, Amos Lee, David Gray… it all gets a bit slower, just like my mind.

Creativity: Painted this year for the first time since college. Painted the ocean, and set-up the art studio in the attic.. Re-landscaped the front yard and it’s amazing what beauty does… I appreciate the front yard, every single day.

Mind: Re-visited my very amazing therapist only twice this year during some difficult portions of the year. Was interesting to hear from him that I am a changed woman and am not the same person who came to see him a few years ago. Basically said he was so incredibly proud of me. Hence, I don’t go to see him much, as I’ve learned some great tools for getting through hard chapters. Comfort knowing that he is always there if I need to visit him for a bit. (:

Surroundings: Many births, a few endings and deaths (around me...), and the nurturing of my very wonderful friendships continuing through the years. Enjoying being around great couples and children, which makes me feel happy.

Next Years Goals: Finish a century (100 mile bike ride), nurture my friendships, Get into nature a lot more than this year, Stay focused on finances and ability to keep paying bills, maintain my home so it stays in really good shape (cleaning, fixing and maintaining), have Pail Design grow in creative ways financially, grow more vegetables in my garden, organize the basement to my imaginative goal, figure out more consistent work-outs (biking to work, running, or yoga), take that cooking class, go to Orcas Island for longer and see more islands... and try hard not to get seasonally depressed between January and March (constant yearly goal).

piano

2010-12-13T16:04:00.000-08:00

I need a piano to pound on or some drums, but the piano would sound better and help. Wow, life can really throw you sometimes.. .just when you get into the groove again, BAM... here is some news to digest, and process. In the big picture, it's life, it's birth, it's death and it's all one thing, but the little things make it the journey.

Playing music helps... I need a piano. Why? It helps me feel like myself.

The only thing ever missing...

2010-12-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

Got back to the gym tonight and it really hit me about what happens when I get off track. There really isn't anyone or anything to blame but myself, but it doesn't come down to that, it comes down to self-discipline and that constant battle with making choices that are going to make you better. Most times we opt for the feel good option, or 'have' to option. When in reality, the things that are tough, have the biggest rewards, feel the greatest, and ensue MORE positive choices for oneself.

Then I got to thinking about the people at the gym, they probably can only go at 5 (some) and have to get ready here, or have kids to feed at home (little ones). I started thinking about how great my life is... self-employed, I can take off of work when I want to, go in when I want to, create whatever structure that works best for ME, instead of some employer or even partner for that matter right now as I'm single. I've really designed my life to my liking, and have almost everything I've ever wanted, I just need to keep moving to keep it up!

I found these quotes today:
Self discipline is doing something even if you hate it or don’t feel like doing it.
Doing something because you enjoy doing it is NOT discipline.

But the main key in having all that I've designed and doing things the way that I like, comes to self-discipline of oneself. That's how I got here... tenacity, stubbornness, DRIVE... motivation and goals. I think sometimes once we reach our goals, we tend to relax.. and recharge. But maintaining a healthy lifestyle can be a goal in itself, and probably the constant one in life... eat right, meditate every night, have good posture, spend good time with my kid and dog, do yoga, read more... drink less. The list is endless.

But at the gym, I realize how truly grand I have it... an office with a sweet shower, working close to the esplanade for a quick run, or the beautiful bike ride to work... or even my cute little house or the brand new gym on the way home from work for me to utilize. All I have to do, is remember to not avoid things, get off the couch sometimes, and just do it! The rewards far outweigh the challenge, even though today, I outweigh my ideal weight.....thanks to turkey and mashed potatoes, and being out of training for too long (: Every December usually sucks for me, and as Kat would say... "yah, winter just ain't your season!" --- but this December, I've decided, no way... it's gonna rock despite the crappy weather!

Sundays

2010-12-05T19:31:00.001-08:00

The art of doing nothing and having no plans is continually attractive to me. Why? It opens up time for whatever to happen. Like this morning when James and Kat met me and Tober in Sellwood for coffee and some holiday browsing. Sundays are great when you spent the previous day getting most of your list done. James is the sweetest boy. I love that when he sees his auntie he just runs up and sits on my lap with a book, or pours the sugar packet, so he can put more of it on his scone. It made my Sunday, especially since I woke up fighting a cold from doing yard work in the wind all day on Saturday (when will i learn!!)

I love children, and moments like this, just let you forget anything else in your life and it's really nice. I'm glad to be such a great part of this ones life, it's fun to watch him grow. Kat snapped this quick photo, but there is something about it that really touches me, it's a moment of how I feel when hanging out with kids, it's priceless and somehow it got captured in this photograph.

Tober & James got their photo taken with Santa, can't wait to see them soon. (:

God called yesterday, from Brazil

2010-12-01T16:24:00.000-08:00

Life is ironic and full of paralells when you really start to look at things. Most of us though, including me -- forget to take a macro look at our lives, and how everything is a manifestation of our thoughts, dreams and actions. This is a continual learning curve for me, but also one that keeps waking me up from this illusion we call life. I get stuck on a path or vision, but usually it lives within my mind, not reality.

Recently I found this to be true, but used it as an opportunity to wake the hell up again and do my work... meditation, self-care, and healthy boundaries with people in my life.

I spent the weekend reading and meditating again, spending warm moments with my family, and worked through some emotions of loss, but also prayed for a few situations in my life to resolve naturally.

Then god called. Well, he didn't call, but he sure had one of his little helpers call me at work yesterday and offer me an huge financial advance in payroll for next year and also accept that my business remain his agency of choice. I really heart Sao Paulo right now and this client. As soon as I knew what he was offering,I felt like it was an answer to prayer, and reminded me of that saying, "energy flows where attention goes."

Not only did this put my little heart at ease so maybe I can sleep, but solved quite a few challenges that I have been facing lately, and facing alone, as a single parent, small business owner and newbie home owner with a big ass mortgage! (GULP!)

Gratitude = abundance... and god, and the universe continue to provide for me and my small little family. Elle, Tober, Sophie, myself, and my extended family of friends and family.

Dear God, XO!

Seattle

2010-11-11T12:10:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I went to COFFEE FEST tradeshow in Seattle. Was a great trip... took a few fun photos and thought I'd post them. Getting out of town, even if it's business, is so helpful.

the budding artist

2010-11-04T07:10:00.000-07:00

latte art pour

Elle is getting into photography, so at our last Barista Magazine photoshoot for an upcoming article on Latte Art, we gave Elle the camera at Water Avenue Coffee in Portland, and let her get creative. She was very excited, happy and so are we with the images. She's got quite the eye, and it's nice to see her passionate about something (: Is it Friday yet? I'm so happy to get to the coast already and spend some time veggine out, watching football, and taking walks on the beach.. not to mention some hot tubbing, sleeping in, fireside talks and awesome coastal air. (: I plan to take good photos this weekend.

Reflecting and Remembering

2010-11-01T19:46:00.001-07:00

In today's fast pace world... of emails, rare thank you cards in the mail, and our constant instant text messaging and digital world... we can forget sometimes to save the GOOD messages that come to us digitally. I try to save nice notes I receive, put the thank you notes on the board at the office and keep my cards at home for reading on rainy days or when that birthday rolls around again. Today I was looking for an old email and ran into this one from a friend I've known for probably about 9 years now. He's seen me through relationships, and I've seen him through a divorce and a new relationship now that is going well for him. In a moment after a nice lunch, he emailed me this note back in May after my birthday. I wanted to save it in my blog and post it here. Good friends last a lifetime, and it's nice when people randomly have warm fuzzies to say. This one got me teary eyed...

J, You are an exceptional person, full of kindness and beauty that surpasses the norm. You’ve grown up fast twice in your life and been without for longer than some might find fair. You’ll find that person that completes you and you’ll know it when you do. It will make anything you’ve had up to this point seem like you’ve been matching pennies with millions. It’s not for us to always understand the ways of the world, I’m getting that and you know that. What you do need to remember is how wonderful of a woman you are and how deserving you are of a partner, but not just any partner - your partner, the one that will fulfill you in every way.

It reminds me of this quote from a song,
Remember compliments you receive.
Forget the insults.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

A few things...

2010-10-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

Got balanced this weekend. TG. Feeling my love of autumn all around me and trying to savor it. My home is lovely in the fall, our first year in the house is exciting because I get to experience all the seasons for the first time (: This home makes me want to decorate, something I used to do so often, so craft-y I once was... I am very content, happy and at ease with life right now and I feel utterly grateful!

My daughter is doing great in Cross Country, I enjoy seeing her run and experiencing that feeling.

Another thing that has shifted is about music. I was driving home yesterday and earlier that day had a lunch with one of my favorite people, keely. I made her a quick cd mix of mellow fall music, for some reason I felt like she would really enjoy it. Then she said, that music has been touching her lately, even though she hasn't had much time to listen. I realized that I have quite a lot of time to enjoy music in my work day, on the way to work and more. Music shapes my life and touches me in so many ways. It symbolizes time periods, can bring you back to a time in your life... can help you through things, can calm your nerves, or ease your soul. Then I thought, it's so interesting that when you meet someone, you want to share your music with them.... but why? I think each of us has so many melodies within them, and it probably changes at different times in our lives. I used to listen to sad music all the time, now it's mellow music... which is more of who I am right now. I think sharing our music tastes is a way of getting to know the inner sounds of our hearts, without really saying much. Sometimes, someones music tastes are not what you think, and it tells you a little about that person. Or when two people share the same music tastes and it connects them instantly... it's more than just the music. My entire music library got lost not too long ago, so everything is fresh... and new right now, symbolized by new tunes, as well my heart opening again.

last touches of summer flowers...

worry

2010-10-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

illustration by ellie
When I was a kid, I had insomnia, bit my nails, was pretty quiet... you could say I was nervous, nervous I wouldn't get that A, nervous my mom wouldn't approve, or I would lose my status as 'fastest sprinter in the school." I was voted most likely to succeed and had plans to pursue architecture at Stanford and live in NYC in a fancy loft! And this was when I was about 10 years old, so funny. Well, power of planning... I have a design / studio-loft in the city, I'm a graphic designer, not an architect, and I went to Portland State, not Stanford. I also had a baby in the process of getting my degree, my how that changes your life plans! That intense feeling I recall from my youth, sure helped me achieve a lot, but I do recall worrying often, probably too much as a child!

In the last few years, I've done a lot of work on getting quiet, yoga, meditation and slowing down from the hyper-need for speed and over-achievement. I quit biting my nails to the surprise of many, I can drink a few cups of coffee without going crazy, and my insomnia for the most part is only situational. But lately, I find myself worrying way too much. Worry about finances, the next design project, my health, my daughter and school, and this and that. I typically do NOT worry this much, so it's caught me by surprise and due to the nature that worry solves nothing, I've gotten into a bit of a funk. I find myself not wanting to go to work which is the rarest thing for me. I'm hoping it passes. I also found this, article on worry... worry is creativity. This is my attempt of optimism --- that there is something positive gained from it... maybe it's a problem solving tactic, but when it eats at you w/ negative thinking, I'd have to disagree.

Goals drive me, and I've accomplished a lot this year - I am looking for the next milestone --- and the motivation to find what that is. It's hard for me to do much without motivation or passion, part of why I'm honest and LOVE my job typically...

Last week was dramatic and I think I have a stress hangover. It's interesting to pay attention to the energy of a week. I think we underestimate how much stress affects every part of us... maybe we don't notice while it's happening cuz our bodies have to manage, but after it's gone, we become a bit tired...

I'll figure it out. Until then, exercise, red wine, good food and new friends sure warm my heart, just like this beautiful season.

Music Review / Stephen Fretwell / Magpie: Play

2010-10-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

Was watching a DVD (The Jones') the other day and shazamed this song... it's so beautiful and makes you want to reflect, while it is hopefully raining and you have a drink in your hand. When a song like this moves me, I have to document it.

Stephen Fretwell, Play

After a night of complete insomnia... this song reminds me of how it feels in the middle of the night when all are asleep---- or at least it's how it feels to me, in the dark, and the quiet... I awoke once again being terribly tough on myself for not sleeping well, what is new...stumptown coffee is slowly pulling me out of my melatonin daze... tonight I will sleep well.

OCTOBER FIRST! FALL!!!

2010-10-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Ok. I've been (somewhat) waiting for this month all year. September has proved to be a spectacular month. Now it is October 1, and this is going to be the best month of the entire year. I'm very excited. I mean, I even named my dog after this month... (: Tober!

One thing that has happened lately, now that Elle and I are settled into our new home, the housewarming party has been done, the landscaping in the front, almost finished... and we feel like it's so much our home... Elle has started high school, and every day I am just so grateful to live with this person. She is amazing. I just love her to pieces, and more than that though, I think she is such a neat kid and person. She is in cross-country and tells me about her days, lets me help her with her homework (not hide it) and she loves my cooking. I'm so lucky. These next four years are going to be great, and I am glad to have provided her and us with a real home for her to finish her high school years in. (: I feel like it will help her succeed as well.

My sister recently came to visit and it was so nice having her here. I miss her already though. Skype and long phone calls during the week are still not enough!

A few of my favorite things // in a weekend.

2010-09-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

photo by Ellie
Birthdays and parties. 80 degree last days of summer, followed by kisses of fall and rain the next morning. Friends, wine, fresh crab, steak and german chocolate cake. Hot tubs overlooking lakes and wildlife, long talks, multiple dog parks, seeing new birds through binoculars....riverfront parks with beaches... Filling my cart at Zupans with my favorite tastes....Grilling. College football, cozy coffee mornings on a rainy Sunday... Long talks with my sister over the phone. Back to back episodes of Mad Men on netflix. Hugs, contentment and happy moments of love. My daughter took these photos this weekend... talented much daughter?

love and marriage

2010-09-20T15:07:00.001-07:00

I attended a close friends wedding last night at one of the most beautiful settings for autumn.. touching Oregons rural vinyards... The ceremony, the people, and the energy were so touching, I had to hold back the emotion from washing tears all over my face.

I have yet to attend such a perfect wedding and I think what is wonderful about weddings is that you get to share in the moment to celebrate another couples connection. It's powerful to watch and experience. My friend noticed that everyone in the group was so happy. He probably noticed this way before me, but as he said it, I noticed it too, and it was one of those weddings where you could feel how happy every attendant was about this couples union.

I deeply appreciated my friends perceptive observation about many things at the wedding. It was a great party and I am filled with joy for my friend Carmen and so happy for her and her new husband.

The previous part of my weekend was hosting my housewarming party. Again, my house was filled with love and good energy of friends and family. The little unwell feeling I had earlier in the day had dissolved by morning and I have a feeling that I was healed by all the love in the room. I recognize all of this as my heart keeps opening in my life and I am feeling the effects of the autumn season that I had so keenly intuited early January... The little leaves on the wet pavement make me so excited... Fall is here! I've been waiting for it, and now I'm basking in every moment I can.

Oh David...

2010-09-13T11:05:00.000-07:00

Oh, he got to me again. I have to say he's the best songwriter / singer that I have found to like this long in my life. Talking about the talented, David Gray, whom I saw (for about the fifth time...)in concert on Saturday and it was awesome. Made me dig up some of my old favorites, and realized that I painted my ocean painting while listening to this one. The line, 'love's a raven when it flies' always gets me, and is the theme of the painting that hangs in my house... I think I wrote that line on the back of the canvas too...And as you can see, the raven is not flying in the painting, but she perches eloquently on the soul of the sun... waiting and watching the storm below.. waiting to fly.

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest, I still don't know what love is
Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled
And now the floodgates cannot hold
All my sorrow all my rage
A tear that falls on every page

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side
Maybe I oughta mention, was never my intention
To harm you or your kin, are you so scared to look within
The ghosts are crawling on our skin
We may race and we may run
We'll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when it's gone
Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side
I know it would be outrageous
To come on all courageous
And offer you my hand
To pull you up on to dry land
When all I got is sinking sand
That trick ain't worth the time it buys
I'm sick of hearing my own lies
And love's a raven when it flies

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side
Honey now if I'm honest, I still don't know what love is

Such a great song!

Urban Hippie

2010-09-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

This morning, I'm riding my bike into work, and as I'm waiting for a bus to move, I look up and my daughter is on the public bus, on her way to school. I shot her a funny glance and she thought it was pretty funny to see her mom right beside her, or embarrassing, haaaa.

As I biked off, I thought.. how Portland of us. We live in the city, try to commute by bike or bus the best we can, I had a home-baked casserole in my backpack, and was on my way to my city office. I thought, what a great life. A few miles later, I'm cycling in with about 10 other commuters right beside me, and riding through Ladds Addition, a beautiful neighborhood in Portland. I chose to avoid a different, usual route, and ride over the Hawthorne Bridge instead of the eastbank esplanade (save that one for the ride home) and realized I shaved 1 mile off my commute by doing this.

We try now to take our groceries in bags we bring, use less paper towels, and recycle everything. It made me think of how our culture affects our lifestyle, and how implementing new habits, takes a bit of practice, but once you start doing it, you don't even realize it's a new healthy habit.

I suppose, you could say, we are very 'portland' and I'm proud to live in such a great city on this planet.

Wow.

2010-09-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

I don't really have words to describe how happy I am. I am going to be holding onto what I've found as long as I possibly can and hopefully this blog post will remind me in my future what I experienced as a complete enlightening shift in perspective about a few things in my life.

I'm still a bit high from the experience of life showing me exactly what I've been asking for, and I'm still in awe of what a difference this mental and inner shift has felt like. I feel like I'm on cloud nine and everything just became so clear... I feel like a little kid on Christmas who is so utterly excited, she can barely contain herself. You would not tell by looking at me, but one might tell by sitting next to me and absorbing some of this energy I just found inside.

It's amazing what can change so quickly. I thank Kat for being there while it was all happening and am grateful to have such a good friend who understands it all. Our little experiment last night changed my life.

Wow! This song reminds me a little of how I feel and my intentions.

In One Day

2010-08-30T20:19:00.001-07:00

A lot can happen in a day. Especially when one wakes at 4am with a cold.. the day is longer.

Today I was very solo. I worked at home and went out to the store once.. only to realize that my head cold was making me feel so stupid it wasn't smart to interact with other human beings or drive.

I finally taught myself a few tips (thanks to google) on how to make the perfect eggs. Apparently, my disdain for eggs, was partially due to how I was cooking them, incorrectly!

Today, a life was lost. Someone who had taken me under her wing at one point and had a heart of gold. Cancer took her life at the age of 38. Today, also, a new life was born to someone else I knew. I found both of these events out on Facebook within a mere minutes of each other. It really hits you when at one moment you experience death and another, life. Life is so precious.. leaving and coming into this world.

And in a day, in my small little world, I for the first time, baked a pastry. I have an apple tree and decided to make some mini-pies with them this evening. Success! During my pie making experience, I also cooked down some pasta bolognese sauce for fall dinners (to freeze) and those ever so busy nights to come around the corner where Elle and I both get home, have homework, chores, and things to do... and there's barely enough time for a good meal.

And in a day, my brother stopped by and completely barkdusted my front yard. It looks simply gorgeous. I am very lucky to have such a talented brother. Everytime I sit on my front porch, or walk up to my door, I get this surge of happiness from looking at it. Again, I am just in love with this house.

In the same day, I sent a long letter to an old friend, and it felt really good.

It's 8pm, and the day, still isn't over. Happy Birthday to James, my favorite little 2 year old (:

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

2010-08-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

Happiness.

It's funny, when you suddenly feel happy, you sort of realize that an underlying depression has been following you around.. and if I'm really honest, it's been with me for a few months... Yet the last few days, I have been exceptionally happy. I have to say, nothing new has happened, but a shift in the weather (that is new..)? I have been doing a lot of my own personal work though...since I've had so much time for it..

I am ravenously hungry. I feel very content. I sleep deeply and well. I am filled with love and joy and energy for life. I feel present.

Tonight Ellie left for a week to LA with her 'other' family, and I have a solo week, just me and the dog (and the noisy cat..). I picked veggies from the garden, and made a marinara sauce that was simply amazing. Cooking w/ fresh vegetables really makes a difference. I threw on a sweater, watched the sun set over my newly landscaped yard (which is beautiful thanks to my brothers creative work) and opened a really good bottle of Pinot Noir. My dinner was to die for and I turned on some Californication to watch during dinner.

I had to write about this feeling because I don't want to forget it. I am so hard on myself, w/ many things in life... and this week, I just decided to eat more, enjoy life, work hard, and my meditation commitment has also strengthened. (this helps a lot!)

The living room, warm for autumn.

I feel so utterly grateful. I am looking forward to fall, nurturing the relationships that I have, and my lovely daughter going into her first year of high school. I will relish the last days of summer with wine on the back deck, continued meditation in my little room until it gets too cold up there, perfect weather bike rides, FOOD, and watching the sun go down earlier and earlier.....

Tomorrow I have a great bike ride planned out with someone I connected through Facebook (gotta love the internet for that!), Jame's 2nd birthday (my bf's son) and some live music downtown at the Rock Bottom with an old High School friend. I am so very grateful. Sunday Greg and I are going to gut the office and get it cleaned out for the new month. (YEAH!)

Fall: great harvest meals, cozy times, bath, red wine, reflection on the summer and a shedding of skin, just like the trees.

Good to know the simple things

2010-08-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

August... there are so many things I have been wanting to blog about but have been busy playing, cleaning, and meditating and staying away from the computer as much as possible before I get super busy for the last quarter of the year.

This year has taught me a lot about who I am. Not what I do, not what I have, but who I am. I've been on a solo journey after being in a relationship for 4 years and in that path, you get to know yourself a bit, what you like, what you don't like, and it amazes me how it can all change so quickly. Or one could see from this list that the words Taurus, Designer, and Vata all make a whole lotta sense.

I've had this little list in my iphone and when i find something that is my favorite... I jot it down. The list is getting long so thought I'd share it. Albeit, it's good to know thyself.

Fave roll at sinju: the Oswego
Fave red wine: pinot noir
Fave flowers: Cala Lilly and orchids
Fave season: autumn
Fave meal I make: Tex Mex burritos
Fave store: new seasons and rei
Fave Movie: Dumb and Dumber
Favorite thing to do that makes me feel better: a hot bath
Favorite coffee drink: specialty coffee with a little cream and sugar
Favorite feel: being cozy n snuggles
Favorite road music: rogue wave
Favorite moment: sitting on the porch at dusk in summer wrapped in a blanket on a cool night... Reflecting
Favorite dessert: apple pie, apple anything.
Favorite sleep: when I have no stress
Favorite place to see a show: Mcmennamins Edgefield
Favorite kind of dinner: Italian
Favorite time of day: morning
Favorite phrase: from kat, "oh that's a Jess man"
Favorite sport activity: cycling or biking up a mountain
Favorite sure-way to smile: being around my family and brothers n sisters
Favorite place: a really cozy bed overlooking an ocean
Favorite store where I love every item and it resonates my style: restoration hardware
Favorite feel good movie: The Holiday
Favorite landscape item: grasses

New Painting

2010-08-14T15:47:00.001-07:00

I had a quiet morning, and thought it was a great opportunity to finish my painting. I sat at my dining room table, the sprinkler was on in the front, my coffee was delicious, and the windows and doors were open as I could feel and hear the nice summer breeze... a perfect summer morning.

This image reminds me of visiting my friend Amber and we walked out to this bluff, near Half Moon Bay, in California, and the grass hugged the bushes and overlooked the rocks. It was really pretty. This is a photo of my friend Amber doing cart-wheels on the sand, we were being silly (: I originally wanted to add the two bikes on the lawn (bike cruisers) but honestly, I was nervous to ruin it, since I have not painted bikes before. I am going to try that next though (:

Also, picked up three little wood squares at the art store and am starting to think about what I want to put on them. I've really enjoyed painting lately, the time just dissipates and I really get into playing with the light in these beach scenes. We all have a favorite thing to paint, and mine is the ocean.

The Sea

2010-08-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

"THE SEA, ONCE IT CASTS ITS SPELL, HOLDS ONE IN ITS NET OF WONDER FOREVER" -Jacques Cousteau

The ocean has always had a magical spell on me... if I don't see it enough, the urge to get over to the coast gets stronger and stronger as it feels right now. Sometimes I sit on my front steps and imagine that across the street I am looking at the ocean. When I was 18, I bought a house at the coast and enjoyed living there for 2 years, gardening, fixing up my house and taking college classes in Newport. Someday I will have a home at the coast or maybe all my brothers and sisters -- we will all buy one together, that would be cool (we amazingly get along so well)... There's something about the air (allergy-free), the mornings are so peaceful, even the sounds of the seagulls is part of the environment that I love. Well, maybe I need to save up for a weekend at the coast, and rent a little cottage right on the ocean... read all weekend, make coffee and fires on the beach, play boardgames with my daughter and take Tober for endless walks on the beach. I have trade at Coast Cabins for a weekend, but I'm saving it.. not sure for what, but I am! Of course while searching for image for this post, I found this...little eco-friendly resort on the coast... might have to put it on the list, as it looks delightful!

Quotes

2010-08-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes you don’t realize what you’re doing and what is happening until you recognize something is very out of place."

My friend Greg wrote this in his blog post and it really resonated with me as an inner truth that I have experienced lately. It takes a lot to be conscious of what we are doing, where we are at... where we are headed. I think it's probably the most challenging thing to do.

The Little Things

2010-07-20T12:57:00.001-07:00

Wow, I've been really touching on what I'm grateful for in my day to day thoughts lately... they keep popping into my head so I figured I'd write them out and then when the clouds come, I can re-read this.

• In 5 days, I will be gluten free for 30 days straight. Feeling better already and sticking it out. Goals + Accomplishing them = Feels good.
• In love with my house.. it's like a personal oasis. Not just walls, but the energy, the cuteness, the feeling it gives me day to day, night to night. I can't even explain its comfort... I chose wisely? (:
• Painting. Sometimes I forget that I do have an artist within.. when I slow down, it makes room for creativity. Cool reminder this week - brought me back to my youth.
• Making breakfast for Ellie. Nothing is sweeter than your kid saying, "oh mom, this is great, thanks!" and caring for her with a home-cooked meal, rather than 'there are bagels in the cupboard!"
• Working at home. peaceful summer times...why have I not done this every summer?
• Fresh Summer foods. Eating less heavy feels good.
• Baths, beds and everything cozy!
• New experiences, new friends, new people - it's fun to get outside the bubble of being self-employed and working at home.
• Mini-holidays. This is an absolute new favorite, and I try to do more of.
• My dog. What a loving friend he is every day. I feel so lucky.
• That my best friend and my folks live an equal 2.5 miles from my house. How cool is that?

California

2010-07-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

I'm not a good sick person. Guess I have a hard time slowing down, I dislike being weak and emotional and not being able to do things normally. I woke up Saturday with an awful cold and the worse sore throat ever. It's now Sunday and still sick! I've been piddering around the house with half a brain, watching movies and being in the house this much, has me obsessing about the decor and interior decorating (since I just keep starring and circling around the house, haaa). Yesterday Elle and I decided to paint in the art studio and we painted these.

It's funny how you paint what inspires you or what you dream of... Ellie painted the landscape of Portland, as she is recently very interested in Architecture and buildings. The sunset and river reflections of her piece is amazing! I just love putting her art around the house.

My painting is inspired by my love of the ocean. This one is of the California coast line... there is something so bright and beautiful about the colors down there, the oranges and blues, and greens. Someday, I will most likely live near or at the ocean. I can feel it.

Gluten Free Diet

2010-07-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

Friday marks my third week of being gluten free. After seeing a Naturopath, she diagnosed me as having an enzyme deficiency. This means that my body has a hard time breaking down the gluten protein found in wheat products. Makes sense why I'd get stomach aches, aches and pains a few days eating, and general malaise on certain weeks after consuming bread. I could get away with this in my 20's, but now it's caught up to me, and time to make a serious change!

It's been tough, but it's getting easier as I re-learn how to cook this way, and not fall back on my typical staples -- all while finding healthy alternatives. I thought I would just have to find gluten-free bread and the likes, but what I've found is that I'm getting more creative with vegetables and fresh foods. Thanks to many websites that offer creative solutions like Gluten Free for Good, and Seattle gal's, Gluten Free Gal website... My meals are more colorful, I'm getting inspired, feeling much better and am going to stick to this diet.

Check off List: First-Half Marathon Race/ Fueld by Fine Wine

2010-07-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

I woke up cranky, too early (3:30am) and not feeling well the previous days... wondering how the hell I'm gonna finish this 13.1 mile race. But after about 45 minutes of running, it all kicked in, the aches and pains slowly subsided and Tamara and I chatted it up (which really helped with the time) all the way to the end. It was really dusty on the gravel roads and the dirt roads up at the vinyards... so by that time, we were covered in sweat, then covered in dust. We were DIRTY! Thank god for: shotblocks, advil, water, and gatorade, and wine tasting at the end! We are already thinking we could do one of these again in the future (:Finishing in 2:46 and averaging a 12 minute mile - on hills, this was pretty damn good for us, we are slow runners, and only intended to finish. It was really beautiful in the country, and reminded me that I need to get out there more often. It reminds me of my youth.

Here are few pics from 109 and 111. (:

Coastal gardening in the City.

2010-07-10T14:49:00.000-07:00

I'd rather buy plants than shoes. Now that I have a garden to dabble in, and know I'm staying here for awhile, I love bringing home new plants. Here are three I found at Fred Meyers today.

1 is a grass called LILY TURF or Big Blue that grows purple flowers in Aug/September and will add a softness to the gardens edge along the path. The second is called Croscosmia Lucifer, which I've had my eye on and finally found some!! This plant is gorgeous when it booms, a firey red flower in the summer. I've had this plant before at the coast, where it grows very well. It will get bigger and spread every year, so I not see it's glory for another summer or two. The third plant is called Tiny Tim and the green and soft aspect to this plant, including it's design is what attracts me to it. I am not sure where to plant this, but it needs partial shade, so most likely the front.

The back yard is secondary to me right now, as I am simply not quite sure where to start with it, so for now, my energy will be on the curb appeal of the front yard. I read about these plants online and they say that the style is cottage like. I enjoy grasses and plants that flow together to create a very cozy feel. A friend stopped by the other day and said that my house feels beachy. I loved that! I enjoy the relaxed feel of a home that is at the coast, and hope to continue in that direction for decorating. I've already lived at the coast once, and have a funny feeling that I will someday return to live near the ocean....(sigh) Until then, it's coastal in the city.

Countdown to Race Day

2010-07-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

3 days till race day...July 11th, at 7am in Mcminnville, Oregon --- where I will run my very first 1/2 marathon. Pretty cool for me personally given that 1. I am not a great runner and 2. I just recently grew out of my EIA (exercise induced asthma) --- and 3. I really do prefer my bike! But a few months back, my friend Tamara asked if I wanted to do this race and I immediately signed up, knowing it was just the type of goal that would be good for me.

We started training a few months ago, and now we can run longer and amazingly, the knee problems have subsided thanks to training and lots of advil! (: Besides the getting into shape, the increased endorphins I feel after a long run, I've really enjoyed running w/ a buddy. Tam and I have been meeting at least once a week to do a 5-8 miler run to train. We usually meet around 7am during the work week and decided to keep it up after this, just to remain healthy and catch up during the busy work week.

So, getting all packed, you'll see I have new shoes, my knee thing, stop watch, finally my new shades (tober previously ate my other ones!) chapstick, advil, sunscreen, and will pack a towel, lots of water, and shotblocks (caffeinated little jelly deliciousness that give you an extra boost!) Looking forward to the end of the race and accomplishing this for myself. (GULP!)

One with the yard

2010-07-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

It's pretty cool that some days, you can do soooo much, and other days, much of nothing. Well, today was one of those days where I got so much done, in the yard! I spent the entire day alone. Elle has been gone for a few days, so it's just been me and the pup. I cleaned the house this am, and headed to Sellwood Park to take the dog. He had a blast chasing the ball, while I ate my lunch overlooking the river.

Unsure of where the day may lead me, I suddenly got very inspired to tackle a few yard projects. I have so many ideas for my yard, and the more I'm in it, the bigger it feels. There are a lot of things I cannot do, because of strength and skill, but I can dig!

I shoveled and dug dirt most of the day, it felt so good to be one with the earth! I readied my front entrance along the sidewalk for river rock. Then I found my saw, and trimmed this very ugly tree in the front yard, made more edging around the yard, weeded, and cleaned the entire side yard. There is so much more to do, but knowing that all of this could be done in one day, just inspired me for more gardening days, and also prepping the yard to look equally good in the dormant months. I even bbsat James for a few hours! What a treat that was. I somehow, also motivated to organize the harry potter room, and made a quiet sitting area for meditation with pillows. I hope the de-cluttering will inspire me to use it more often to paint, think or read.

I bbq-ed for one and enjoyed a lovely meal, a wonderful bath and now I'll snuggle up to the couch to watch some Mad Men! (: